Hmm… Get home before heavy downpour. Get rid of wet clothes. Taking time under hot shower. Lovely aromatherapy lavender bath gel. Get out. While undressed, stand under air-conditioned room or directly in front of medium speed stand fan. Instantly refreshing. Invigorating. Rejuvenating. Then, with a nice hot local espresso in hand, gazing out front lawn. Down the street, kids are playing street soccer in the rain.
Sublime.
This is heaven?
April always holds a special place in my heart. There’s several meaningful moments, episodes and events mingles around my pathetic and lonely life. Some of them are very dear to me. And some of them leave a bittersweet memory in the path of life that I tread on and on.
The most significant news to me is a friend who is very dear to is going to get married to his on-and-off fiancé. Very glad for them to be able to cross difficulties in all these years in order to be together. I pray that they will last forever. They deserved it. May Allah bless them. Amin.
The second best thing is my career path finally shows some light at the end of very dark tunnel of despair. There’s hope in my dream to be materialized. All I need is hard work, mountain of luck and blessing from Him and all the support life can give me. Pray for me, please, whoever you are.
“Some people go through life trying to find out what the world holds for them only to find out too late that it’s what they bring to the world that really counts. It’s not what the world holds for you, it’s what you bring to it.”
And honestly, I’m one of them. But I hope that I’m not too late to be the one who give something to the world. Countless test of time finally shows me exactly what I want in my life. And what I want to give the world. In my own humble ways. At least, I can fulfilled some people’s dream. Hopefully. If my plans go smoothly with His blessing.
My life is a constant struggle. And the biggest enemy is my own self. Sometimes, I loathed to be myself. I don’t think I have a thing to be proud of. Sometimes, everywhere I turned, I only saw blackness. Bleak and grey.
I longed to feel a loving arms soothing my worries away on the rainy days. Midnight whispers and laughs. Snuggled in. Making out. Star gazing with hands in hands while ocean breeze caressing my skin. To linger in bed, doing nothing, just listening to the rain, inhaling fresh wet air. To pamper loved ones. And God only know how I long to feel how it like to have other live inside me, growing each days. In a word, to feel complete inside out as a woman. In a right, humble, honest and peaceful ways. So, my quest for true and real love is still on.
But no worries, I’m not that desperate or eagerly to settle down. I willing to wait, even for my entire eternity to find my significant other half. Without compromising myself of all values of life that I stand for. But then, as I discovered myself is unlucky and unfortunate in my personal endeavors. So, to avoid any more disappointment, I just want to be true to the world. To anyone who needs me, if any. To give words of comfort. To be a listening board. To able to teach and share things. To be a shoulder to cry on and to lean to.
And don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. But, it is the only thing I can offers. In my own ways. At least, by doing it, making other happy and their happiness is a reward in itself to me. Makes me feel useful, need or even loved. That’s all that matter. And makes my life worth living.
But, anyway, life must go on. To give it up, is to bow to weakness of mankind. The journey of life is full of uncertainty. Test and trial. Error and misjudgement. The only thing for certain is life is a journey that will end. So, bear it until the end and never give up!
As I cruised above the sky
Looking down to my past
In a pregnant silence
I could hear it so clearly.
The chanting rhymes
Tears in the rain
Rolling in the mud of uncertainty
Mixed with un-torched fears
Remind me who I really am.
In the dawn of new day
Life treads on unwillingly
Does the ray of sunrise will ever belong to me?
We all get handed pain that we have to deal with. That’s just what happens, like a by-product of being alive. Sometimes, the pain of being alive is more acute than being torn apart. Breaking from inside. I’m falling into pieces, like broken mirror. I should tell others about this dangerous feeling. It keeps on scratching my inner skin, caressing my hair, burning my mask.
We love like crazy and it seems like if we lose that love, we’ll shrivel up and die, which would be a blessing. But no one’s worth us ending up dead, no matter who he is. And anyway, thing don’t happen that way in real world. We just muddle on. We finally get through it. Then, we are whole again.
My hands is trembling. Dizzy and nauseous. Too much adrenaline, I guess. Too much caffeine that sipped into my veins. I know it bad for health. Why I keep on consuming this drug? I guess this could make me stronger to fight this.
Am I strong enough to go on?
Hiatus.
I am not myself anymore. An empty shell without soul. Broken spirit without any echoes. Keeps chasing shadows. Living in this uncertainty is slowly killing me. It never been love, it’d loneliness, as usual.
The more I want to write, I froze. The more I hate sleep, sleepier I become. And waking up feels like a burden. Am I normal?
Where is the old me?
