Hmm ....

We all get handed pain that we have to deal with. That’s just what happens, like a by-product of being alive. Sometimes, the pain of being alive is more acute than being torn apart. Breaking from inside. I’m falling into pieces, like broken mirror. I should tell others about this dangerous feeling. It keeps on scratching my inner skin, caressing my hair, burning my mask.

We love like crazy and it seems like if we lose that love, we’ll shrivel up and die, which would be a blessing. But no one’s worth us ending up dead, no matter who he is. And anyway, thing don’t happen that way in real world. We just muddle on. We finally get through it. Then, we are whole again.

My hands is trembling. Dizzy and nauseous. Too much adrenaline, I guess. Too much caffeine that sipped into my veins. I know it bad for health. Why I keep on consuming this drug? I guess this could make me stronger to fight this.

Am I strong enough to go on?

Hiatus

Hiatus.

I am not myself anymore. An empty shell without soul. Broken spirit without any echoes. Keeps chasing shadows. Living in this uncertainty is slowly killing me. It never been love, it’d loneliness, as usual.

The more I want to write, I froze. The more I hate sleep, sleepier I become. And waking up feels like a burden. Am I normal?

Where is the old me?

Have you ever feel mellow?

April always makes me feels so uncertain. Mixed feelings. A lot of good stuff happened in April. Sad memories, too. I was born at the end of April. It is a new beginning of another chapter in my journal of life. I met and lost someone that means a lot to me in April. Parting is sweet sorrow, what an expression! When there’s someone else who’ll be hurt, it’s easy to be selfish, to think only of yourself. It’s almost easier to do nothing and just let things slide. Add on another layer of numbness. And another layer of lackness. Till we don't know what to feel anymore.

So far, the only thing for certain in my existence is disappointment and frustration. Mine alone. I didn’t blame anyone or anything. Maybe, I am just so tired of living. My will to live cease away without me realising it. The reasons to go on seems nil and worthless. The tunnel is still dark and frightening. But life is a constant struggle. And the biggest enemy is our own self. So, stand up and keep fighting. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Come on!

Every time April is approaching, I do fell excited as well as anxious to know what it brings me. And this year, do any of my dream will be materialised?

Life Is Amazing

Life is still amazing!

In period of one week, I met some new friends, different nationality, as well as gender and age. Lovely and educational experiences too! There’s some ‘things’ that I want to share about…

First, about an elderly Australia couple. One fine day this week, I’d been approached by a lady, asking for direction. Since, the place in on my way too, I just asked them, she and her husband, to follow me, using LRT. On the way, we started talking and get to know each other. Because I’m just finishing one project and about to take a day or two off before starting new ones, so I volunteer to be their guide. No big deal, my pleasure, actually.

So, we started talking. Found out few similarities. Two full days we spend together while bargain shopping and sight seeing. Tiring but educational (well, I hate shopping, you know!). J is more outspoken and friendly, eager to explore more compare to his wife, S, who are a bit introvert and being typical women, love to shop! So, naturally I spend more time with J while waiting S finished her shopping.

We talked about everything under the sun. Especially about religious, culture and people around the world. Being different races, background, belief and age, he’s more curious about me, being totally opposite of the woman he believed should be. Maybe, I’m so different from my fellow Malay and Muslim lady, being well covered from head to toe, but having vast opinion of life itself.
Well, I’m more impressed with their relationship. Easy and loving. They are so different to each other, but still manage to be together. I found out that the lady is Indonesian. Her husband is Australian. So, I asked how they met and married. You know usual questions…

Interesting story. I do wander how patient he is during their early stage of relationship due to communication. Or lack of it. S barely can speak English, just Indonesian and Hokkien. Meanwhile, J’s accent of English is so thick. How they can understand each other well and get married and live there peacefully? From my observation, during this short period of time, they are so different to each other. I do express my thought aloud, but J just laughed.

He admitted that they do have some ‘situation’, even now. But the faith, trust, love and understanding to each other overcome all. J is more or less like me. Adventurous, eager to explore new things, historical trails, trying local foods, love museums, love to walk around, experienced local culture and custom. Well read as well. Compare to S, you know…typical woman who prefer luxurious lifestyle and of course, shopping!

But, is very kind, patient and so caring to his wife. Giving her space, massage her foots, have a good laugh over something. Or just enjoying nothing at all. In their elderly state, once a year, J bring S for vacation in foreign countries. In spite of their differences in interest and characters, they managed to enjoy themselves.

How I wish to have that kind of relationship! I envy them! I told them so. S only smile and patted my hand while saying, “One day, L****, you’ll too! I wish to have a lovely and bright daughter like you. You are very good girl. God will give you a good man too. I pray for you.” Meanwhile, J was surprised when he knew that I’m single and available. He said, from what he observed and by our conversation, any man are very lucky to get me as his companion. I’m so well read, able to talk about anything, have a strong positive characters, faithful, loyal, very open minded, humble, pleasant and easy to be with, and so on and on. He shocked that no local or decent guys didn’t snare me yet. We had a good laugh at it. Hahaha!

I just thanked him for his kind words. Yeah, true that I’m lonely but I don’t want to settle down with someone just because circumstances or custom required me to. I’m willing to wait for someone who really wants me for what I am. For whom I really am. Even, it takes a lifetime.

Well, I know myself. I’m not as good as he said, but I’m not bad as well. Just an ordinary lady.

Or maybe I’m just unlucky, unlike them.

April Kembali Lagi

April senantiasa memberikan kenangan. Variasi momen. Dan hari ini genap setahun detik itu berlalu. Walaupun tidak menjanjikan atau membuktikan apa-apa, ia tetap kekal di situ.

Ibarat angin, ada tapi tidak kelihatan. Maujudnya tiada pertikaian. Seperti itu. Meraikannya bertemankan The Lake House terisi damai dan bahagia. Pasrah dengan ketentuan-Nya. Alangkah!

Bagi yang mengerti, selamat ulang tahun!

Food....(again?)

I don’t know why, but lately I found myself eating all the time. Usually, I’m only up to a heavy meal per day, usually brunch or dinner. Starting with breakfast (that’s a must!), then my regular fix of caffeine and something light throughout the day in the between. That’s all.

But nowadays, I do find myself getting hungry most of the time. Because I prefer to cook rather than eat out, I seemed like to be in kitchen every waking moment.
This few days, I begin my days with local black coffee, usually while staring up glistening KLCC, warming up by the sun. Hhmm, heaven! (tq monaSakti!) With some kaya or blueberry toast. Then head up to my laptop. Then around 10 am, I feel hungry again. So, I fixed something. French toast something hot and simple, like fried rice/noodle or toasted sandwich (again!).

Around 3 or 4, the urge to munch something appeared. And because I do have some ‘extra’ pasta sauce from previous cooking session, I boiled some spirali or penne and dumped whatever what veggie in my little fridge. It lasts until nightfall.

Or if I do have to be in office, lunch time usually spend eating with my partner at stall nearby, lustfully indulge myself with Malay cuisine and cool drinks. And in the afternoon, he wills ‘wooing’ me with ‘pisang or ubi goreng. Hhmmm. Or a nice guy next door asked me for hang out after work for drink or something! ‘Or something’ turned out to be my favorite nasi lemak with Nescafe. Gosh!

Well, staying single, I do have freedom to do whatever I like. Or do nothing at all. Nowadays, I’m into Cajun food. Found some recipes in magazine and love to experience. Chilies, jalapeno, nachos, rice, beans, etc. Not bad, I guess.

Night time, I slowed a bit. Seldom ate after 8pm, unless I attend any function/dinner or having family ‘makan-makan’. But still, I hunted for something. Apple, orange or any pastries in the fridge. In the middle of the night, the craving for ice cream keeps coming back…! Sometimes I do fight it, but most of the time, I surrender!

And I feel so unmotivated to work out. Not even skipping or star jumping! From daily or alternate day of exercise, I turned up to be sleazy ‘couch mate’. Don’t know what happening to me. Feels like alien hijacking my body, making me bloated and gross. Not like me at the least. But all I can be sure is, I don’t like it at all. And gosh, I do have to do something about it!


p/s: did I mention that I got a supply of chocolate, too?

Oh Dear!

It amazed me how it takes me a very long period of time to get over of something or someone that are not meant to be. All those while, even not wasted in haste, but definitely considered a bit a waste, turned out to be fruitless. In my inner self, I thought that waiting is a virtue, but not in this case. It just plainly waste of the most precious commodity to me; time.

Maybe I’ve been trying too hard to fill up my days to find something or someone to hold on. In my entire life, I’ve been searching for something. Peace and happiness. Like anyone else. Even I spend all my time working and praying for ‘something’ to overcome the insecurity inside of me, to feels good enough to deserve it. Like anyone else too, I do have my weaknesses and fears. I did found and lost it. Feels lucky and blessed regardless what had happened. Teach me how to be choosy and make a better choice in life. Don’t take it as it is. Then find it again. But I guess, sometimes, a heart just need to go. And there’s nothing I can do. Pray to God that you never know what it is like to love, without hope that love being returned. But still....

All my life, I’ve been waiting. My quest of happiness seem like go on and on. The ending is beyond me. How many dreams will shatter? How many times will pass me by. How many times can I pretend to be all right? I do not know. All I can do is wait and wait again. But perhaps mine is not here.

Perhaps.

Aku Masih Belajar I

Aku masih belajar menjadi seorang pemaaf. Dalam erti kata yang sebenar. Memberi maaf dan melupakan kesilapannya. Seperti yang pernah kutulis; Memaafkan memang mudah, hanya dengan kata-kata. Tapi luka sebuah kemaafan itu tidak mudah dilupakan oleh kata-kata.

Ya. Kita akan merasa sangat terluka andai disimbah kata-kata amarah kesat. Lebih-lebih lagi jika ia bukan kesalahan kita. Atau, jika salah pun, ia tidaklah sebesar mana, tidak wajar untuk menerima makian tersebut. Dan kelukaan-kelukaan itu akan tersimpan dalam kalbu. Sehingga akhirnya, hati jadi parah. Dan diri menjadi layu.

Aku berusaha menjadi diriku. Ikhlas, jujur, peramah dan mengambil berat. Berpegang pada suruhan-Nya. Namun, sering disalahanggap. Sering diambil kesempatan. Dan sering dimanipulasikan. Kehidupan terlalu banyak mengecewakanku. Namun, inilah dugaan-Nya. Aku redha. Atau sejujurnya, berusaha untuk redha sepenuh hati. Fitrahku sebagai manusia biasa ternyata masih ada cela.

Aku berusaha memaafkan semua yang pernah bersalah padaku. Mereka yang telah mempergunakan kebaikanku. Mereka yang mengambil kesempatan ke atasku. Sama ada mereka sedar atau tidak. Cuba mengikhlaskan batin untuk memaafkan mereka. Memujuk akal, menghakis memori-memori duka tersebut.

Aku ingin bebas dari semua yang menyakitkan. Yang memberatkan raga. Terlalu penat memikul bebanan maya. Aku ingin kembali tenang. Dan kembali mencintai diri sendiri. Harapanku, moga kesalahanku pada orang lain juga akan dimaafkan.

Kuakui, ini bukan sesuatu yang mudah untuk dilakukan.

Dan aku masih belajar.

Bicara Januari

Terlebih dahulu, aku ingin maklumkan bahawa aku tidak menyambut tahun baru 1 Januari 2010 sebagaimana kebanyakan orang. Permulaan tahun baru bagiku adalah detik tatkala aku dilahirkan, 28 April. Jadi, setiap tanggal tarikh itu, aku akan memperbaharui tekad untuk menjadi lebih baik, berusaha menjadi lebih matang dan lebih berjaya daripada tahun sebelumnya.

Jadi, sebagai ‘so-called’ mukadimah entry pada tahun 2010 ini setelah lama menyepi, aku ingin bercakap tentang hidup dan kesepian. Dalam entry terdahulu, aku sering membicarakan subjek ini. Kesepian dan diriku sangat intim. Walaupun luarannya, hidupku amat penuh dengan acara; rasmi, separa rasmi atau peribadi, dan dikelilingi manusia, aku sebenarnya sangat sunyi.

Bukan kerana tiada teman atau sahabat peneman diri. Aku punyai beberapa golongan sahabat dan teman yang kusenangi dan percayai dari dulu yang masih utuh berhubungan. Dan kami sering ketemu dalam kesibukan masing-masing. Dan apatah lagi dengan kawan-kawan yang ramai. Satu pejabat. Satu kelab. Satu minat. Sekadar kawan untuk berlibur dan berkongsi rasa luaran.

Bukan tiada ahli keluarga mendamping hidup. Malah, pulang ke rumah mana-mana ahli keluarga di ibu kota ini memjadi satu kewajipan mingguan. Sekiranya aku tidak ada out station ke mana-mana. Makan bersama. Ke pasar malam bersama. Shopping bersama.

Namun, aku tetap merasa sunyi. Dan aku letakkan sebabnya kerana aku masih sendiri tanpa teman yang benar-benar istimewa. Yang boleh dijadikan sebahagian daripada diriku. Aku terlalu mendambakan seseorang untuk berkongsi hidup. Seperti orang lain. Aku sering menumpukan aspek kebersendirian ini tatkala memikirkan angka usia yang melangkau suku abad, malah melebihi tiga dekad sudah. Kenapa masih sendiri sedang diri tidak kekurangan lagi? Dan apatah lagi bila sering ditalu dengan pertanyaan dari keluarga, teman-teman, masyarakat sehingga aku tidak punya jawapannya lagi.

Tapi aku silap.

Aku larut dengan kesepianku sehingga aku terlupa bahawa di dunia ini kita sememangnya keseorangan. Sehingga aku alpa dengan kepentingan aspek hidup yang lain. Ada banyak perkara medambakan perhatianku. Penulisanku. Penyuntinganku. Galeriku. Ibadahku. Amal jariahku. Pembacaanku. ‘Survival’ku. Pengembaraanku.

Dan sesuatu telah membuatkan aku tersedar daripada ‘kelalaianku’. Hidup ini ternyata amat singkat untuk dibazirkan dengan mengharapkan sesuatu yang tidak pasti. Atau untuk meratapi ketidakadilan dunia dan orang-orangnya. Untuk dihabiskan dengan sia-sia. Biarlah mereka dengan dunia dan kelalaian mereka. Biarlah.

Cukuplah aku bertemankan negativiti. Bukan aku lemah, Cuma tidak kuat untuk meyakinkan diri sendiri. Kurang percaya dengan kemampuan diri. Atau mungkin terlalu ingin menjaga hati persekitaran. Aku ingin kembali menjadi diriku yang asli. Yang sebenar.

Dahulu aku sangat membenci kesepian. Dan aku menyibukkan diri dengan urusan dunia yang kurang bermanfaat untuk mengelakkannya. Sehingga tersasar arah. Cukuplah. Urusan dunia akan terus kulakukan. Mencari rezeki untuk meneruskan kelangsungan hidup tanpa perlu mengorbankan prinsip dan harga diri. Melakukan apa yang kusukai, walaupun payah dan perit, namun dengan hati yang lebih redha dan tenang. Meskipun hidup masih sendiri.

Dan aku dan kesepian akan terus menjadi teman karib. Kerana di dalam hati manusia, pasti ada kesunyian. Dan kesunyian itu, tidak akan dapat diisi, dihilangkan, tanpa mendekatiNya. Tanpa keimanan kepadaNya. Dan apabila mengamalkannya dengan hati yang tulus dan istiqamah, aku jadi tegar . Bukan aku melupakanNya dulu, Cuma terkadang ‘terlupa’ dan tidak tetap dengan sunatNya.

Terima kasih kepada ‘sesuatu’ itu yang telah menyedarkan aku bahawa hidup ini perlu diteruskan. Aku amat berharap, aku akan terus berada di landasan yang betul sehingga detik aku menutup mata. Dan aku tidak sendiri lagi.

Tuhan, berkatilah aku!

Kemaafan, Dendam Yang Terindah...!

Memaafkan memang mudah, hanya dengan kata-kata. Tapi luka sebuah kemaafan itu tidak mudah dilupakan oleh kata-kata.

Dalam keasingan yang mendera malam, semuanya terasa merangkul. Ada sayu di dada. Ada sepi di jiwa. Ada sendu tersisa di indera.

Apabila diimbas kembali catatan diri, aku akur. Banyak kecewa yang ada kalanya hampir mengoyah kental. Hampir meracun diri. Jalan yang kita lalui bukan selalunya indah. Ada sembilu. Ada ranjau. Namun, hidup ini bukan hukuman. Derita itulah bahagia sebenar.

Dan walaupun luka itu tidak mudah dilupakan, ia membahagiakan.

Amat.

Gosh!!!

Life is full of unwanted surprises. At the wrong time. At a wrong place. When my heart broke for the second time, I said to myself, “Enough! Just forget about men or relationship or whatever it is and move on! Lead your live the way you want it without any interference anymore! The depression’s over! Live your life!”

Then, when I need no more ‘distraction’, it keeps coming to me. At gym, where I do work out most morning before starts working, there’s a guy who keep his eyes on me! Two guys actually! Then, one day, one of them introduces himself to me and asks to be a friend. What a gentlemen. I like his bravery, so after some period of time, I give him my number! We end up smsing and become friends. But, he asked for more. The other guy is shyer, I guess!

Later is someone who I met ‘accidentally’ on a chat room. I do chat sometime when I’m can’t write in order to pass the time. At first, the usual intro, we talked about general stuff. I never reveal too much about myself but seem like he knows a lot about me. It keeps me wondering why and how. Frankly, he confessed to like me even before we started chatting. He tried to get my ‘attention’ so many times before but unable to get ‘close’ to me. Whenever, I’m online, for sure he’s there, waiting for me. Told me everything about himself. (like I do believe it!). He is very determine to chat with me everyday, even want to KL to meet me in person. Somehow, I know he want more than just an online friend.

To be honest: I’m damn tired of it! My heart now is full of fear! Fear of men, relationship, uncertainties, rejection, unfulfilled expectations. Even, sometimes, I don’t even feel confidence myself! Like people said, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!’

I guess, 3 shots, I’m out! Do I dare to take this shot this time?

Tired of life

It seem like it was just yesterday I just awaken of my bleakest says. Then I fell into the uncertainty again. I’m tired of this life. Again. Trial after trials. Test after tests.

Nothing is too good to be enough. Nothing is too much to be all right again. Everything seems so hard. The sky is falling down on me. Everything is so dark!

I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt truly happy. When someone or something caused me to laugh out loud so hard that my stomach pained me and my jaw ached.

I missed eating good food instead of it becoming just a way to stuff myself to avoid hunger in such a way of something to do to pass the time.

I even missed reading; researching and analyzing my storyline instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. To endure the emptiness of thought that creep in my mind whenever I need useful plot or meaningful words. For now, it remains blank. Hopefully, it is temporary. Otherwise, it will be a disaster to me. A tragedy.

I missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind then drifted to sleep easily. With no aid of a good book. Or crying my heart out until I feel my own damp pillows. Or pushing myself into exercise routines so hard till all my muscled tired, dropped dead on the cold floor.

And hating the feeling that I have no reason to wake up. And hate the wishes in me, which I hope to never to wake up ever again. Hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to.

Life is a mere bleak existence. The hours just passed me by these days without knowing what day it is. Seemed like I lived outside my own body, numb to everything. Drifted to nowhere. I never feel so tired in my life. Everything I do is meaningless. Sometimes, I do wonder whys all this happening to me while I sat alone in my darkened house. It even doesn’t feels like home anymore.

I don’t know the answer of these questions, no matter how hard I tried to understand, analyze it. Why I’m so unlucky in life? Why my world, used to be peaceful, happy and serene, are crumbling down on and around me? Why is happiness fled from my grasp?

And, I do wonder, after all that happening around and within myself all this time, how could I be standing still?

Depression and Hope

“You can’t be happy unless you learn to feel at peace with who you are and aren’t doubting yourself. I’ve learned to overcome a lot of anxiety about myself and I don’t weighted down by life anymore…”

That’s what Kirsten Dunst said about her battle of depression. I’m happy for her. At last, she had found internal peace in herself to move on. Way to go, girl!

To start bright and early in this coming new year, I want to talk about depression. First, I agree with Ms. Dunst that we have to accept who we really are – our strength, weaknesses, insecurities, virtues, etc – in order to live positively. Some of us might fortunately lucky to have everything in his/her live, but for most of us, everyday is a battle of survival. Life, family, career, financial, relationship and all. Life isn’t bed of roses for everyone, right?

There’s an excellent and very positive article in The Malaysian Women Weekly, January edition, it titled: Fell 100% Happier. It started with this sentence: Is your glass half full or half empty? (sound cliché, like overused phrase in motivational or self-built book/article, but it work!) I found it very inspiring!

To be honest, 2009 did not bring me any improvement in my personal life as much as I hope for. I did not achieved some target I’d set for myself, but that’s all right. It just that I have to work harder, go further and pray more!

I used to those disappointment in life. I know that the greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing my heart and soul in the process. Maybe that is the blessing in disguise that appeared in the shapes of pains, losses and disappointments for this time being. Give it some time and patience; it will reveal its true figures. Or maybe I’m too ‘blind’ to see it.

I can not tell what may happen in future, but I believe in myself; that I’m gifted in something, and that these things, at whatever cost, must be attained. I will not agree for less because I believe the minute I settle for less than I deserve, I get even less than I’ve settled for. Sooner or later, my time will come. It’s just a matter of time.

May God bless me!

Kadang kala

Kadang kala, kita tidak perasan sesuatu itu datang kepada kita. Kadang-kadang kita sedar kehadirannya setelah ia mahu pergi. Ada kalanya, kita perasan dan sedar, tetapi sengaja tidak mahu mengendahkannya.

Datang dan pergi. Kembali dan pergi. Kadang kala tidak datang kembali. Ada yang membekas. Ada yang selajur lalu sahaja. Mungkin bersebab. Mungkin sengaja. Mungkin takdir. Perlukah diingati atau lupakan sahaja?

Duhai Teman...

Teman,

Aku kembali menjadi pengharap yang setia. Bersendirian membuatkan aku mengenal diri. Apa yang aku ingini dalam hidup. Apa yang telah kulalui membuatkan aku sedar, kehidupan adalah sesuatu yang fana. Hidup ini singkat. Amat singkat. Semuanya terasa merangkul.

Ada perkara yang berlaku ada kalanya tidak ingin kulakukan. Ada perkara yang memalukan diri sendiri. Ada perkara yang aku harapkan berlaku sebagaimana apa yang aku harapkan dan ada perkara berlaku sebaliknya. Kembara hidup ini mengajar aku banyak perkara. Kesabaran. Keberanian. Ketabahan. Keegoan. Prinsip diri. Takdir. Hikmah. Semuanya bergabung menjadi satu. Semuanya mengajar aku kembali kepada diri sendiri, kembali kepadaNya.

Hidup ini terlalu singkat untuk terus hanyut dalam ilusi. Terkadang, kita, tanpa sedar, terlalu mengejar sesuatu sehingga terlupa meluangkan walau sesaat untuk berfikir. Tentang makna sebuah kehidupan. Terkadang, kita terlupa untuk menghargai apa yang ada di sekeliling kita, sebaliknya kita banyak mensia-siakan waktu dan tenaga yang ada dengan mendambakan sesuatu yang belum kita miliki sedangkan apa yang telah kita miliki masa ini adalah apa yang kita dambakan sebelum ini.

Kita juga seringkali terlupa bahawa yang paling penting dalam hidup ini adalah bukan apa yang telah terjadi pada kita tetapi sikap kita dalam menangani apa yang telah menimpa kita. Segala apa yang berlaku mempunyai keindahan yang tersendiri, tetapi tidak semua daripada kita dapat menikmatinya. Hidup ini tidak selalunya indah, tetapi segala yang indah itu akan hidup dalam kenangan kita.

Aku mula mengerti akan makna hidup dalam erti kata yang sebenar. Kehidupan yang sebenar rupanya terletak pada kebahagian yang kita rasai sesudah kita berduka, kejernihan jiwa setelah dilanda duga dan uji, kasih sayang seakhirnya perbalahan, kejayaan yang dicapai selepas kegagalan demi kegalan dan harapan yang memenuhi dada kita setelah kita hampir berputus asa untuk hidup. Rupanya, selama ini, Tuhan telah menempatkan penunjuk kepada cahaya yang terang dalam setiap jiwa daripada kita, tetapi kita sahaja yang berkeras mencari kehidupan di luar diri kita, tidak sedar apa yang dicari selama ini ada dalam diri kita sendiri. Sehinggalah kita bertemu cahaya itu. Itu yang membuatkan hidup ini penuh bererti!

Jauh di sudut hati, dalam kesibukan rutin harian, terkadang aku merindui bicara dinihari kita sewaktu dulu. Dalam kembara hidup yang singkat kita mencuri waktu; dalam jeda waktu yang sepatutnya sudah dilamun mimpi, untuk kembali mengumpul kudrat untuk meneruskan rancangan pada keesokkan hari, tapi kita masih tegar dan bugar. Hari demi hari, dalam celahan lagu alam dinihari, kita berbicara tentang hidup dan kehidupan.

Tentang ruwetnya kehidupan kini. Betapa payah aku menjadi wanita moden dalam ruang lingkup yang terbatas. Betapa seksanya kau dalam memilih teman untuk berkongsi hidup dalam dunia sekarang penghuninya hampir kepupusan santunnya. Tentang harapan dan impian masa depan. Tentang igauan masa lampau. Tentang segala-galanya!

Waktu bagaikan statik, dan kita ibarat penghasrat yang membara dengan naif dalam pencarian sesuatu yang bernama ketenangan. Dalam kesempatan yang terdingin oleh embun hening, kita akhirnya ketemu apa yang dicari. Ketenangan itu adalah sesuatu yang indah untuk dinikmati, namun yang indah itulah yang sukar untuk dicari dan dimiliki. Dan aku amat bersyukur dan bertuah diberi kesempatan untuk menikmati keindahan itu bersamamu walau sebentar cuma.

Mengenalimu, walaupun tidak seperti biasa, membuatkan aku lebih mengenali diriku sendiri. Bicara kita di hujung talian, bertukar-tukar surat maya dan sesekali berbual di laman skrin meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam. Kau membuatkanku lebih menghargai hidup. Lebih ....

Betapa aku ingin kembali ke saat itu. Cukuplah jika kita mampu mengimbau kembali rentetan suka duka sepanjang perjalanan menjadi teman yang mampu berkongsi rasa. Ramai antara kita yang berkawan dan bersahabat tetapi tidak ramai antara kita yang mampu menjadi teman yang akrab. Seperti kita.

Namun, realitinya, tiada siapa yang mampu hidup ke belakang. Kita cuma mampu berupaya memandang ke hadapan. Itulah kehidupan.

Alangkah!