Kemaafan, Dendam Yang Terindah...!

Memaafkan memang mudah, hanya dengan kata-kata. Tapi luka sebuah kemaafan itu tidak mudah dilupakan oleh kata-kata.

Dalam keasingan yang mendera malam, semuanya terasa merangkul. Ada sayu di dada. Ada sepi di jiwa. Ada sendu tersisa di indera.

Apabila diimbas kembali catatan diri, aku akur. Banyak kecewa yang ada kalanya hampir mengoyah kental. Hampir meracun diri. Jalan yang kita lalui bukan selalunya indah. Ada sembilu. Ada ranjau. Namun, hidup ini bukan hukuman. Derita itulah bahagia sebenar.

Dan walaupun luka itu tidak mudah dilupakan, ia membahagiakan.

Amat.

Friendship

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."

Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks taught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.


Kredit: Khalil Gibran

p/s: guys, i always welcome friendships....no more!

The Longest Day on Earth

The tidal bulges in the Earth’s ocean, caused by the gravitational effect of the Moon; are gradually transferring momentum from the Earth’s rotation to the Moon’s orbit. As a result, the Earth’s rotation is slowing at a rate of around 0.02 seconds per century and each day is fractionally longer than the day before. Therefore, the longest day on Earth is always TODAY!



You know what? I'm working today! Funny, rite! To be honest, I never work on Public Holiday, but nowadays when I joined this company recently, I’m only got full off day on Sunday! Half day on Saturday. Sometimes, it made me smile all alone coz I’d used to have my own 'office hour' but now I relearn to follow other. Well, it's life!

Today, everything is a bit slow here. Everybody seems like enjoying their holiday. Unlike us, here at the office. Yesterday, at office, we had 'Gift Games'. In our daily briefing, everybody bring a present and all of us given a number randomly. So, the first person can choose any gift from the pile of presents. She/He had to open it o show us. Second person can open new present or 'stole' the present from the first person. And so on. If that happen, the person which gift had 'stolen' can open new present or can 'stole' other's opened present.

It's hilarious funny! Firstly, I opened random present. Got a soft toy! Then, it get ‘stolen’ from me, I choose a box that like a book for me…guess what? I’m right! It’s a book. And nobody wants to take it away from me this time! Haha! So, as a book lover, I guess it’s blessing!

Two day ago, I bought 7 books from a book sale nearby my place. Despite of my ‘nearly red’ budget, I willingly sacrifice my ‘duit belanja’ to buy books! Typical me! It’s reminding me, when at school, I used to save my pocket money, 50 cents a day to buy book. Willingly went without food on recess in order to get my favorite story book! I guess, I’ll stay the same forever!

So, anybody want to give me books for present on this festive season of giving? Well, you are most welcome to! :)

Gosh!!!

Life is full of unwanted surprises. At the wrong time. At a wrong place. When my heart broke for the second time, I said to myself, “Enough! Just forget about men or relationship or whatever it is and move on! Lead your live the way you want it without any interference anymore! The depression’s over! Live your life!”

Then, when I need no more ‘distraction’, it keeps coming to me. At gym, where I do work out most morning before starts working, there’s a guy who keep his eyes on me! Two guys actually! Then, one day, one of them introduces himself to me and asks to be a friend. What a gentlemen. I like his bravery, so after some period of time, I give him my number! We end up smsing and become friends. But, he asked for more. The other guy is shyer, I guess!

Later is someone who I met ‘accidentally’ on a chat room. I do chat sometime when I’m can’t write in order to pass the time. At first, the usual intro, we talked about general stuff. I never reveal too much about myself but seem like he knows a lot about me. It keeps me wondering why and how. Frankly, he confessed to like me even before we started chatting. He tried to get my ‘attention’ so many times before but unable to get ‘close’ to me. Whenever, I’m online, for sure he’s there, waiting for me. Told me everything about himself. (like I do believe it!). He is very determine to chat with me everyday, even want to KL to meet me in person. Somehow, I know he want more than just an online friend.

To be honest: I’m damn tired of it! My heart now is full of fear! Fear of men, relationship, uncertainties, rejection, unfulfilled expectations. Even, sometimes, I don’t even feel confidence myself! Like people said, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!’

I guess, 3 shots, I’m out! Do I dare to take this shot this time?

How I Wish...!

How I wish to go home with heavy heart by office or menial thing outside, then opens the door, seeing dia and by the look of me, he’ll open up his arms, bear hugged me, let me cry until my river of tears stop by itself without uttering even one word!

And now, how I wish to be in somebody arms to cry my heart out!

Kodomo Bento

Sometimes, a very simple gesture or habit can make a very big change. I don’t know about other, but there’s something within me had changed. Whenever I go to my favorite place, I always headed out for Sushi King for a simple and healthy meal. As usual, I opted for ‘kodomo bento’ meal set. The portion and its variety of food suited my taste bud and just nice for my fill of food, without to waste any. For years, I’d been ordering the same meal, except for occasional sushi, sashimi, tempura or udon noodles.

Then, after I met dia, we discovered that we had the same passion for Japanese food. So, at our second so-called date, we decided to try SK at my favorite place. As being a gentleman, he asked me to order first, which I did. Being myself, I order that set. Then his turn. After that, he told me that his ex was usually ordering the same meal every time they went out together. My heart suddenly felt cold in an instance. But luckily I manage to act cool at that moment. So, when the foods arrived, he just went eating like nothing happened, unlike me. The rice feels like dust or small rocks. The tempura lost its taste. I had to force myself to finish every morsel on my plate as we continued chatting during the lunch.

So, today, I take early leave from office and went there. I didn’t have breakfast, so I decided to have something to eat first, before doing anything. Automatically, I’m thinking about SK, but I force myself to choose other meals besides Japanese food. Its ten minutes to three, so I guess the food court is not full of people. But, I’m dead wrong. So many people that my feet bring me to SK.

Well, fine than.

The waiter came and asked what I want to eat. I nearly blurred up ‘kodomo bento’ but caught up in time to say ‘soba cold set’. To be honest, that’s exactly what I need at the time but I simply can’t say it out aloud. Out of the blue, I started to hate that meal. I don’t know why or how it happened, but the ‘ghost’ of kodomo bento really gets me.

And now, our relationship is hanging by the thread, because of his ex. We are just started, but because of her, we can’t go on. I hate this. Their time is gone. So let it be. I simply can’t take it. I also had my share of failed/past relationship, but I didn’t let it overcrowded the new one. Let bygone be gone. Start fresh. Create new history with new partner or companion. Don’t be overshadowing by the past. Otherwise, you’ll never move on.

Drastically, my habit changed. I no longer longs for ‘kodomo bento’ I despised it now. Something I used to love so much, turned up to be the ones I hate most now. Sometimes, I do wonder. Maybe as long as I alive, I never order that meal again. Ever.

Selamat Tahun Baru!

Mak berada di rumahku selepas sesi ‘tour’ satu Malayanya. Biasalah, cuti sekolah! Itulah aktivitinya tatkala cuti panjang. Menziarah anak cucu! Selepas seminggu dua di Johor, dia dan adik bongsuku datang ke KL. Bermula dengan rumah abangku no. 3 di Bangi, dia ke rumah kakak no.3ku di pusat bandar. Dan giliran rumahku. Sempat bermalam. Sebelum ke rumah abang no. 2, keesokan harinya. Selepas itu ke Terengganu, sebelum kembali ke kampung. Pendek kata, itulah rutinnya setiap hujung tahun!

Kebetulan, Awal Muharam. Jadi, kami sempat solat hujung tahun dan puasa sunat keesokkan harinya. Malam itu, kami (aku, mak, adik dan anak-anak) bersembang hingga ke dinihari. Oleh kerana aku memang akan bangun jam 6 setiap hari, tiada masalah untukku bangun sejam lebih awal dan sediakan pasta untuk sahur. Mak, adik dan anak-anakku berselera makan penne pesto pagi-pagi buta! And coffee Radix special for my mum!

As usual, bila mak ‘melawat kawasan’ ni, soalan-soalan lazim akan kedengaran. Contohnya: ‘Tak takut ke duduk sorang?’, ‘Dah ada special ke?’, ‘Sampai bila nak kerja tak ingat dunia ni?’ Dan seterusnya.

Dan bila aku jawab, ‘Lupakanlah. Mungkin aku lebih sesuai sendirian.’ Mak mula bising dan ‘berceramah’. Aku cuma mampu diam dan buat lawak bodoh! Dan di’cover’ ketawa dan gelagat anak-anakku!

Aku faham kerisauan seorang ibu. Namun, apa dayaku. Ada perkara di luar batas kemampuan kita. Jawapanku ringkas. Aku sudah penat! Cuma mahu teruskan kelangsungan hidup tanpa perlu fikirkan tentang lelaki lagi. Cuma mahu mencapai ‘financial independence’ tanpa perlu menyusahkan orang lain. Apa yang aku mampu lakukan ialah berserah kepadaNya.

Jadi, apa azamku tahun baru ini? Entahlah!

Tired of life

It seem like it was just yesterday I just awaken of my bleakest says. Then I fell into the uncertainty again. I’m tired of this life. Again. Trial after trials. Test after tests.

Nothing is too good to be enough. Nothing is too much to be all right again. Everything seems so hard. The sky is falling down on me. Everything is so dark!

I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt truly happy. When someone or something caused me to laugh out loud so hard that my stomach pained me and my jaw ached.

I missed eating good food instead of it becoming just a way to stuff myself to avoid hunger in such a way of something to do to pass the time.

I even missed reading; researching and analyzing my storyline instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. To endure the emptiness of thought that creep in my mind whenever I need useful plot or meaningful words. For now, it remains blank. Hopefully, it is temporary. Otherwise, it will be a disaster to me. A tragedy.

I missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind then drifted to sleep easily. With no aid of a good book. Or crying my heart out until I feel my own damp pillows. Or pushing myself into exercise routines so hard till all my muscled tired, dropped dead on the cold floor.

And hating the feeling that I have no reason to wake up. And hate the wishes in me, which I hope to never to wake up ever again. Hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to.

Life is a mere bleak existence. The hours just passed me by these days without knowing what day it is. Seemed like I lived outside my own body, numb to everything. Drifted to nowhere. I never feel so tired in my life. Everything I do is meaningless. Sometimes, I do wonder whys all this happening to me while I sat alone in my darkened house. It even doesn’t feels like home anymore.

I don’t know the answer of these questions, no matter how hard I tried to understand, analyze it. Why I’m so unlucky in life? Why my world, used to be peaceful, happy and serene, are crumbling down on and around me? Why is happiness fled from my grasp?

And, I do wonder, after all that happening around and within myself all this time, how could I be standing still?

Kisah Aku Dan Dia

Aku mahu berkongsi satu cerita lucu. Tentang aku dan dia. Oppss, dua cerita sebenarnya. Tapi aku cerita satu dulu. Pasti korang gelak sakan punya! My family and friends yang dah tau memang gelak giler!

Raya Aidiladha lepas, aku tak balik kampung. Maklumlah, baru masuk tempat baru. Jadi cuti pendek saja. Malas nak balik. Lagipun ‘tumpangan’ku balik awal. Memang tak boleh join balik. So, a few day before raya, aku saja telefon mak. Bagitau awal-awal sebab musabab aku tak balik. My mum say ok, dia tak kisah. Lagi pun ramai ahli keluarga yang balik. Cuma aku dan kakak aku and family dia kat JB jer yang tak balik.

Kebetulan masa itu, banjir memang melanda negeri-negeri pantai timur. Walaupun tidak seteruk mana, kampung aku turut dilanda bah. Mak cakap air masuk dapur belakang. Memang dapur belakang rendah sikit. Aku ada dua dapur, dapur kering dan dapur basah. Dapur kering, tempat kitaorang lepak-lepak, makan-makan, tengok tv dan back up tidur. Dapur basah ni tempat masak-masak dan buat kerja dapur. So, dapur basah ler yang basah! Dan dapur basah ni bersambung dengan bilik air. 3 bilik air, you, jangan marah!

Biasalah rumah kampung kan, memang bilik airnya ada lubang. Untuk aliran air keluar. Dan memang jadi laluan makhluk Tuhan (baca: katak!) keluar masuk. Jadi bila bah, memang havoc bilik air kitaorang kat dapur ni jadi heaven ‘diorang’.

Memang ada satu lagi bilik air kat area ruang tamu. Yang ni, takde katak, sebab kedudukannya tinggi. Tapi aku tak suka guna sangat sebab tekanan airnya agak rendah daripada bilik-bilik air kat dapur.

Dan ari tu, mak aku siap cakap, “Baguslah tak balik. Takdelah dengar menjerit lagi!” Aku terus gelak on the spot! My mum pun join gelak! Dalam telefon tu, beb!

Bukan apa, satu family dah tau aku takut katak. Setiap kali aku balik kampung, setiap kali aku nak guna bilik air, aku mesti tertinjau-tinjau kat entrance bilik air dulu. Bila line ‘clear’, baru aku masuk. Kalau tidak, no way man!

Adik-adik aku dan anak-anak aku memang maklum sangat dengan fe’el aku ni. Pagi-pagi, bila diorang nampak aku bertuala dan bawak baju, diorang siap ‘survey’ dulu. Halau apa yang patut. Kalau ok, baru diorang cakap boleh masuk. Sampai macam tu, punya sporting! Sayang korang!

Tapi biasalah kan. Pasti ada yang ‘terlepas’ kan. So, satu hari tu, aku tengah syok syampoo dan sabun badan, tetiba aku tengok ‘benda’ tu melompat-lompat! Kecik jer tapi bulu roma aku terus naik mencacak! Apalagi, menjeritlah! Satu kampung dengar! Nasib baik aku sempat capai tuala then terus keluar ke dapur. Kalau tidak, ada yang free show kang!

Yang bestnya, satu family datang untuk rescue. My mum siap bawak penyapu. Adik aku bawak batang buluh (yang memang ada kat dapur), anak buat aku bawak penyapu lidi, abang aku bawak kayu ntah apa-apa ntah. Semuanya nak halau katak!

Memang heboh! Meriah! Kalahkan pasar malam! Dua tiga kali gak le 'benda' ni jadi. Walaupun dah QC, memang ada gak yang defect, terbolos ‘benda’ ni masuk bilik air. Dan setiap kali ia berlaku, aku akan menjerit sakan. Keluar bilik air dengan muka pucat dan kalau ‘benda’ tu besar dan menakutkan, aku akan mengigil sambil keluar air mata. Adik-adik aku, especially anak-anak aku memang confirm akan kenakan aku lepas tu! Diorang gelak, memang tak payah cakap ler!

Ada yang siap plan nak buat April Fool, bagi katak dalam kotak kat aku tu. Ada sekali diorang cuba buat, tapi mak aku sempat selamatkan aku. Tapi sempat mengigil jugak ler. Aku marah giler. Pastu, tahun tu, aku tak kasi bebudak tu duit raya. So, they’ve learned their lesson. Lepas tu, mereka tak berani buat lagi dah!

So, sampai sekarang aku memang fobia dengan 'benda' ni. Tapi dah boleh control sikit la. Takdelah menjerit setiap kali nampak. Setiap kali aku nampak dia tempat aku nak lalu, aku sanggup ambil jalan jauh, nak elak. Dan kalau 'dia' 'lalu' masa aku tengah lepak, automatiknya bulu roma aku akan meremang dan aku jadi tak senang duduk. Terus standby nak lari.

Bila aku citer kat few sahabat aku, diorang memang gelak tak ingat dunia. Ada yang sampai gelak guling-guling lagik! Teruk betul diorang kan!

p/s: Ada yang gelak sakan gak ke?

Depression and Hope

“You can’t be happy unless you learn to feel at peace with who you are and aren’t doubting yourself. I’ve learned to overcome a lot of anxiety about myself and I don’t weighted down by life anymore…”

That’s what Kirsten Dunst said about her battle of depression. I’m happy for her. At last, she had found internal peace in herself to move on. Way to go, girl!

To start bright and early in this coming new year, I want to talk about depression. First, I agree with Ms. Dunst that we have to accept who we really are – our strength, weaknesses, insecurities, virtues, etc – in order to live positively. Some of us might fortunately lucky to have everything in his/her live, but for most of us, everyday is a battle of survival. Life, family, career, financial, relationship and all. Life isn’t bed of roses for everyone, right?

There’s an excellent and very positive article in The Malaysian Women Weekly, January edition, it titled: Fell 100% Happier. It started with this sentence: Is your glass half full or half empty? (sound cliché, like overused phrase in motivational or self-built book/article, but it work!) I found it very inspiring!

To be honest, 2009 did not bring me any improvement in my personal life as much as I hope for. I did not achieved some target I’d set for myself, but that’s all right. It just that I have to work harder, go further and pray more!

I used to those disappointment in life. I know that the greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing my heart and soul in the process. Maybe that is the blessing in disguise that appeared in the shapes of pains, losses and disappointments for this time being. Give it some time and patience; it will reveal its true figures. Or maybe I’m too ‘blind’ to see it.

I can not tell what may happen in future, but I believe in myself; that I’m gifted in something, and that these things, at whatever cost, must be attained. I will not agree for less because I believe the minute I settle for less than I deserve, I get even less than I’ve settled for. Sooner or later, my time will come. It’s just a matter of time.

May God bless me!

Kadang kala

Kadang kala, kita tidak perasan sesuatu itu datang kepada kita. Kadang-kadang kita sedar kehadirannya setelah ia mahu pergi. Ada kalanya, kita perasan dan sedar, tetapi sengaja tidak mahu mengendahkannya.

Datang dan pergi. Kembali dan pergi. Kadang kala tidak datang kembali. Ada yang membekas. Ada yang selajur lalu sahaja. Mungkin bersebab. Mungkin sengaja. Mungkin takdir. Perlukah diingati atau lupakan sahaja?

Duhai Teman...

Teman,

Aku kembali menjadi pengharap yang setia. Bersendirian membuatkan aku mengenal diri. Apa yang aku ingini dalam hidup. Apa yang telah kulalui membuatkan aku sedar, kehidupan adalah sesuatu yang fana. Hidup ini singkat. Amat singkat. Semuanya terasa merangkul.

Ada perkara yang berlaku ada kalanya tidak ingin kulakukan. Ada perkara yang memalukan diri sendiri. Ada perkara yang aku harapkan berlaku sebagaimana apa yang aku harapkan dan ada perkara berlaku sebaliknya. Kembara hidup ini mengajar aku banyak perkara. Kesabaran. Keberanian. Ketabahan. Keegoan. Prinsip diri. Takdir. Hikmah. Semuanya bergabung menjadi satu. Semuanya mengajar aku kembali kepada diri sendiri, kembali kepadaNya.

Hidup ini terlalu singkat untuk terus hanyut dalam ilusi. Terkadang, kita, tanpa sedar, terlalu mengejar sesuatu sehingga terlupa meluangkan walau sesaat untuk berfikir. Tentang makna sebuah kehidupan. Terkadang, kita terlupa untuk menghargai apa yang ada di sekeliling kita, sebaliknya kita banyak mensia-siakan waktu dan tenaga yang ada dengan mendambakan sesuatu yang belum kita miliki sedangkan apa yang telah kita miliki masa ini adalah apa yang kita dambakan sebelum ini.

Kita juga seringkali terlupa bahawa yang paling penting dalam hidup ini adalah bukan apa yang telah terjadi pada kita tetapi sikap kita dalam menangani apa yang telah menimpa kita. Segala apa yang berlaku mempunyai keindahan yang tersendiri, tetapi tidak semua daripada kita dapat menikmatinya. Hidup ini tidak selalunya indah, tetapi segala yang indah itu akan hidup dalam kenangan kita.

Aku mula mengerti akan makna hidup dalam erti kata yang sebenar. Kehidupan yang sebenar rupanya terletak pada kebahagian yang kita rasai sesudah kita berduka, kejernihan jiwa setelah dilanda duga dan uji, kasih sayang seakhirnya perbalahan, kejayaan yang dicapai selepas kegagalan demi kegalan dan harapan yang memenuhi dada kita setelah kita hampir berputus asa untuk hidup. Rupanya, selama ini, Tuhan telah menempatkan penunjuk kepada cahaya yang terang dalam setiap jiwa daripada kita, tetapi kita sahaja yang berkeras mencari kehidupan di luar diri kita, tidak sedar apa yang dicari selama ini ada dalam diri kita sendiri. Sehinggalah kita bertemu cahaya itu. Itu yang membuatkan hidup ini penuh bererti!

Jauh di sudut hati, dalam kesibukan rutin harian, terkadang aku merindui bicara dinihari kita sewaktu dulu. Dalam kembara hidup yang singkat kita mencuri waktu; dalam jeda waktu yang sepatutnya sudah dilamun mimpi, untuk kembali mengumpul kudrat untuk meneruskan rancangan pada keesokkan hari, tapi kita masih tegar dan bugar. Hari demi hari, dalam celahan lagu alam dinihari, kita berbicara tentang hidup dan kehidupan.

Tentang ruwetnya kehidupan kini. Betapa payah aku menjadi wanita moden dalam ruang lingkup yang terbatas. Betapa seksanya kau dalam memilih teman untuk berkongsi hidup dalam dunia sekarang penghuninya hampir kepupusan santunnya. Tentang harapan dan impian masa depan. Tentang igauan masa lampau. Tentang segala-galanya!

Waktu bagaikan statik, dan kita ibarat penghasrat yang membara dengan naif dalam pencarian sesuatu yang bernama ketenangan. Dalam kesempatan yang terdingin oleh embun hening, kita akhirnya ketemu apa yang dicari. Ketenangan itu adalah sesuatu yang indah untuk dinikmati, namun yang indah itulah yang sukar untuk dicari dan dimiliki. Dan aku amat bersyukur dan bertuah diberi kesempatan untuk menikmati keindahan itu bersamamu walau sebentar cuma.

Mengenalimu, walaupun tidak seperti biasa, membuatkan aku lebih mengenali diriku sendiri. Bicara kita di hujung talian, bertukar-tukar surat maya dan sesekali berbual di laman skrin meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam. Kau membuatkanku lebih menghargai hidup. Lebih ....

Betapa aku ingin kembali ke saat itu. Cukuplah jika kita mampu mengimbau kembali rentetan suka duka sepanjang perjalanan menjadi teman yang mampu berkongsi rasa. Ramai antara kita yang berkawan dan bersahabat tetapi tidak ramai antara kita yang mampu menjadi teman yang akrab. Seperti kita.

Namun, realitinya, tiada siapa yang mampu hidup ke belakang. Kita cuma mampu berupaya memandang ke hadapan. Itulah kehidupan.

Alangkah!