Beauty

And a poet said, "Speak to us of Beauty. Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide? And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say, "Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us."

And the passionate say, "Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread. Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us."

The tired and the weary say, "beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit. Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow."

But the restless say, "We have heard her shouting among the mountains. And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions."

At night the watchmen of the city say, "Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east." And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say, "we have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset."

In winter say the snow-bound, "She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills."

And in the summer heat the reapers say, "We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair."

All these things have you said of beauty. Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied. And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy. It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth, but rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear, but rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.

It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw, but rather a garden forever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil.

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.




Kredit: Khalil Gibran

A Day In My Life...

Something nice happen today. While at gym, I talked to a very nice person. Different gender and races, but we found out we have so many thing in common. We agreed in our view of today’s goverment’s uncompetentcy. Or lack of it L. We share similar fear/concern for next generation, due to our current political and society illness in our environment today. How people simply can’t live together in peace and harmony anymore. Everybody are so selfish, full of themselves, unwilling to tolerate other’s cultures and heritage. Life’s nowadays seem like a time bomb, just waiting to exploded!

What’s matter most is who we are, not our races or our origin. Make full use of our advantages/strenghts to lead a better life. Well, we live on the same Mother Earth, right? Our diversity are unique, makes life more colorful and exciting, not just grey and dull. Yeah, we had our differences, weaknesses, but it didnt have to put a boundary to mingle around and be prosperous.

Suprisingly, we also found out few things as well. Love for archery. Books. Travelling. Mount climbing. And just chilled out by having a cuppa, watching movie or simply take a walk in a park. Unlike some of us, who prefer more energetic or lively entertainment. Both of us lived abroad before, so we, more or less, have same view or point of life’s highlights.

We talked almost two hours, despite of our workload and schedule. I enjoyed our talk. It’s refreshing, compared to usual topic of materialistic and superficial stuffs among some of my peers. Time flies when we are enjoying ourselves, right!

Menikmati Perubahan

Perubahan.

Kita semua pasti berubah. Semua orang akan berubah mengikut masa dan keadaan. Sebab kita semua akan dewasa dan menjadi lebih matang dari sehari ke sehari. Kadang-kala kita lihat orang yang pernah kita kenali tu macam orang asing. Kita mungkin tak kenal dia lagi. Mungkin kerana dia telah berubah atau mungkin kerana kita sendiri yang telah berubah. Semua ini menjadi kenyataan hidup

Satu hari nanti kita akan sedar bahawa hidup ini sebenarnya tidak bermakna. Kita dilahirkan ke dunia, kemudian kita akan mati. Tetapi kita tidak semestinya pasrah. Kita masih boleh menikmati hidup. Walau sesingkat mana. Walau seperit mana. Masih ada keindahan. Masih ada kebahagiaan.

Sebenarnya jawapan kepada kehidupan kita ada di dalam diri jika kita mencarinya betul-betul. Tanya pada hati dan akal. Dan perubahan yang telah, sedang dan akan berlaku membuktikan segala-galanya.

Rememberance

So tired of these straight lines. Restless. Hopeless. Everywhere I turned, it seems lead me back to where I started. ‘Thieves’ and vultures at the back. The hurricane of life keeps twisting. Sometimes the glorious sadness brought me to my knees. Sometimes those sweet memories keep coming back to haunt and drag me down. I’ll not easily give up.

Those precious moments in life are the gems of lifetime. Sometimes, it’s all we got. To go on and endure the hardness of life. All the life, we wait for the chance or for someone to share a life with. But somehow, when it right in front of us, we failed to see it. Sometimes, it’s just not mean to be. It is all right.

At the end of the day, it just me and loneliness. Once it found me, it has been around since then. It knows all my thoughts in the silence of the nights. I used to love the loneliness. It gave me some space and time to be myself, to be with myself, to let my mind wonders this universe, able to create things on my own, to licks my own wound and brokenhearted, to converse with my inner soul. To be at peace.

No matter how nice or good person I am. No matter how badly I long for it, no matter how hard I prayed for it, I’ll never get it. There’s always reasons I feel not good enough Because I knew, happiness is not going to be mine.

Period.

Seminggu Ini...

Hidup perlu diteruskan. Hari ini bermula satu kursus untuk peningkatan kerjayaku. Biar aku sahaja tahu kursus apa. Penat dan pening diluar jangkaan. Ini baru hari pertama. Duhai hati, sabarlah. Harapnya dapat dihabiskan lebih awal. Awal pagi sudah keluar rumah, lewat malam baru kembali. Ditambah pulak dengan sifat 'vampire'ku dalam menyiapkan 3 buah karya kreatif secara serentak. Rehat dan makan sedikit terabai. Maaf duhai editorku, terlambat menyempurnakan janji 'dateline'. But you know me, I always keep my words! Just be patient, okay!

Jadi seminggu lebih jugalah, teratak kecilku ini akan terbiar. Walaupun banyak yang telah aku tulis dan akan tulis, ia masih perlu tambahan/olahan agar untaian kesinambungannya muluk dan lebih memberi erti. Bukan sekadar entries biasa. Terpaksa mengalah oleh keadaan. Perlu utamakan kepentingan tertentu. Harap yang sudi singgah di sini sabar dan memahami.

Kepada mereka yang cuba menghubungi dan gagal (baca: tidak diangkat), tolong sms dan kenalkan diri. Aku masih dalam proses mengumpulkan semula semua senarai 'PhoneBook'ku. Apapun, terima kasih kerana sudi. Aku amat menghargainya!

Salam

Another Setback!

I lost my handphone today. Just reclaimed my SIM card, but not the numbers in it. Only able to save some old numbers. So any friend, so-called friends, soon-to-be friends, clients and whoever read this, please let me know your current number/s by smsing or leave a note here. FYI, I’m still using the same number, 017-xxxxxxx. Thanx!

p/s: S***! Habis hilang no. member2 kat oversea. Kalau local, boleh mintak balik, tp kalau camni, camne?

These Important Things...

The important things in life always happened by accident. As teenager, I don’t know much about it, in fact, with each passing years I was a lot less clear about most things. But this much I know.

You could worry yourself sick trying to be a better person, spend a thousand sleepless nights figuring out how to live clean, decent and honest life. You could make a plan and bolt it in place, kneel by the bed every night and swear to God you’d stick to it. But somehow, out of the black beyond, like a hawk on a rat, some nameless catastrophe would swoop into your life and turn everything upside down and inside out forever.

Now as an adult, as I watching a lone eagle soars the blue sky, I realize that I still don’t know much about it. In my view of life, everything is mapped all out decided and as just got revealed to me as I went along. Somehow, there are accidents and then I have to make choices. Plenty of those. It’s just that sometimes the important ones aren’t mine to make. And I have to live with these subsequent of it. One thing I’m sure, things happened for a reason. Or for million reasons, for god sake.

Normally, we have these grand ideas of fame and fortune when they were young. And as we grow older, we got real and settled for less. Or maybe we just simply discovered that there were other things that were more important in life. Life goes on and on.

But, still, I don’t know much.

Pegun dan Berubah

Hidup adalah kembara mencari erti. Dalam kembara diri, kita pasti menemui dan merasai pelbagai rencah kehidupan. Ada yang membahagiakan. Ada yang mendukacitakan. Dan satu hari nanti kita akan sedar bahawa hidup ini sebenarnya tidak bermakna. Kita dilahirkan ke dunia, kemudian kita akan mati. Itu adalah kenyataannya. Tetapi kita tidak semestinya pasrah. Sebenarnya jawapan kepada kehidupan kita ada di dalam diri jika kita mencarinya betul-betul.

Ada perkara yang lebih baik andai kekal pegun. Namun banyak perkara tidak boleh tidak terus statik seperti biasa. Perlu ada perubahan. Kita semua pasti berubah. Semua orang akan berubah mengikut masa dan keadaan. Sebab kita semua akan dewasa dan menjadi lebih matang dari sehari ke sehari. Kadang-kala kita lihat orang yang pernah kita kenali semacam orang asing. Kita mungkin tidak kenal dia lagi. Mungkin kerana dia telah berubah atau mungkin kerana kita sendiri yang telah berubah.

Semua ini menjadi kenyataan hidup. Antara pegun dan berubah, mana satu pilihan hati dan akal?

Love and Me

Love is merely a bandage; and oasis in hell; a raft in a tempestuous sea. It keeps us from facing the truth – that no matter whom we are or what we are – we are alone. Ultimately, we are all alone.

Yes, we are all alone. I agree. But we can’t live without love. No matter when love is pathetically blind. And it is not the only ultimate thing in life. Even the wisest men make fools of themselves about women and even the most foolish women are wise about men. It’s not foolish to love. It’s just pointless giving all your love to the wrong person.

I made mistake in love too. First, fallen to someone whom I thought have certain qualities I seek. At that time, I’m far superior to him in every aspects of life. I nearly had a life with him, regardless what people say. In times, I hope that he’d become a better person I thought he will be but it turned out that he wasn’t man enough for me. God saved me from making the mistake of a lifetime. But still, it leaved a scar within me. Unfortunately, from that moment, my peaceful and contented world took a turn to downhill.

Then, when I nearly give it up, I found someone who has so much similarity with me. Our thoughts, our view of life, or losses, or desire are nearly the same. We also in the same league in life. Feels like a dream. But again, God seems like against me. When we thought that we are ready to put everything behind us and start fresh, the ghost of his past coming back to haunt him. And he wasn't really ready to let it go. Appearantly. There is nothing I can do.

It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. There is a basic human weakness inherited in all people which tempts them to want what they can’t have and not want what is readily available to them. And to have what they want, not what they really need to be better in life. To be honest, I’ve been there myself. I've seen it all, within family and friends. So, I do understand. There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he is absolutely free to choose.

I had made my choice. But there are few words of wisdom from me. What I’ve learned from my own experience. Obligation is not love. Responsibility is not love. Don't always be a provider but instead be a motivator. Letting someone be open and honest and free to make mistakes and learn from it – that’s love. It’s got to be natural and it got to come real. Let it become the guides instead of merely the follower. To be better and wiser as time goes by.

I’m not going to live according to someone else’s rules and expectation. Or being keep measured to someone else. I just want to be myself and will not live an unlived life. I want to live content with small means – to study, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to the birds and wind, to smell the rain, to look at the sun, the sky, the moon, the stars; to seek elegance rather than luxury; refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich. In a word, to live my life to its fullest as long as God granted me this precious time.

And I believe that the only love we give away is the only love we keep. You will find only one true love in your life and if you are lucky, you’ll get to spend the rest of your life with him/her. I’m not that lucky but I’m glad of this life. To love is to admire with the heart and to admire is to love with the mind. Regardless it disappointments, it gives me the chance to love, to cherish and to appreciate all its beauty. It’s all that matter!

The best relationship is the one the love of one for another matters more than the need to be with each other. All good things are difficult to achieve and bad things are very easy to get. I understood.

Period.

Menyirat Keikhlasan

Aku tahu semua orang mempunyai cabaran dan dugaan hidup yang tersendiri. Dalam pelbagai bentuk dan peringkat ujian. Kesukaran dan kesakitan hidup mengajar aku banyak perkara. Kegagalan dan kekecewaan membuatkan aku begitu tertekan, tetapi ia juga mendatangkan kekuatan dalam membina jati diri. Yang terpenting adalah bukan apa yang terjadi dengan kita atau apa yang menimpa kita, namun sikap kita dalam menghadapi situasi itu. Apa yang kita belajar daripadanya. Bak kat Socrates;hidup yang tidak mendapat tentangan ialah hidup yang tidak berharga.

Hidupku ini adalah sesuatu yang amat berharga. Dan aku mula mengerti bahawa hidup kita di dunia ini adalah satu perjuangan. Perjuangan mencari erti. Kita berjuang untuk membuktikan sesuatu. Material dan/atau spiritual. Musuh terbesar kita ialah ketiadaan makna dalam hidup. Dan diri sendiri. Sesetengah daripada kita berjaya dalam perjuangan mereka. Ada juga yang masih berjuang. Sepertiku.

Namun hidup ini terlalu singkat untuk membuktikan segala-galanya. Dan daripada hidup, aku belajar menjadi seorang yang ikhlas.Ikhlas menjadi diri sendiri. Ikhlas menerima kekurangan diri. Ikhlas menghadapi segala kegagalan hidup. Ikhlas memberi tanpa mengharapkan balasan.

Melaluinya, aku dapat menikmati suatu rasa yang indah. Sebenarnya dalam segala di dunia ini memiliki keindahan, cuma tidak semua yang dapat melihatnya. Namun segala yang indah itulah yang sukar untuk dinikmati. Aku bersyukur dengan kurniaan nikmatNya. Ketenangan juga adalah sesuatu yang indah. Aku harap dan berdoa agar aku mampu menikmati keindahan ini buat satu tempoh yang tiada sudahnya.

Amin.

Cuci the Musical

Khamis lalu, 5 November 2009, aku berpeluang menonton teater Cuci The Musical (CTM) bersama seorang teman lama. Walaupun aku agak terlambat tiba tetapi masih tepat pada masa tirai persembahan dibuka. Untuk sinopsis cerita, boleh rujuk di sini.

Oleh kerana CTM adalah adaptasi daripada filem Cuci, aku menjangkakan ia bersifat komedi dengan aksi-aksi yang melucukan. Namun yang tidak aku jangkakan ialah ia mampu membuatkan aku ketawa dari awal persembahan sehinggalah tirai dilabuhkan. Jangka masa 8.30 malam sehingga awal 12.30 pagi tidak terasa lambat berlalu. Ia memang menghiburkan!

Terus terang aku katakan bahawa aku bukanlah peminat cerita-cerita komedi atau hiburan ringan seperti ini. Aku lebih berminat dengan karya-karya yang sarat nilai estetikanya dan ‘berat’ yang mampu membuatkan aku berfikir melangkaui apa yang dipersembahkan. Namun lakonan bersahaja Afdlin Shauki, Hans Isaac, AC Mizal dan Awie berjaya memberi suntikan komedi sehingga tenggelam Vanida Imran yang sememangnya tidak dinafikan bakat lakonannya. Lawak-lawaknya amat subtle dan tidak over sebagaimana karya-karya komedi yang lain.

Aku bukanlah orang yang tahu tentang dunia seni ini, tetapi sebagai peminat biasa karya kreatif sebegini, CTM wajar diberi pujian. Walaupun props dan backdrop tidak sehebat Puteri Gunung Ledang The Musical, namun nyanyian para pelakonnya mengalahkan nama-nama besar dalam P.Ramlee The Musical. Adibah Noor tidak menghampakan sehingga mendapat standing ovation daripada beberapa penonton mat saleh malam itu. Aku turut mengagumi Hans yang rupa-rupanya mampu menyanyi dengan baik. Para pelakon tambahan juga tidak mengecewakan.

Aku memang bukan muka baru di Istana Budaya, malah boleh dikatakan aku telah mengikuti hampir semua persembahan di sini, sama ada atas undangan ataupun biaya sendiri. Ini satu cara aku menghiburkan diri dan mengisi minda. Di saat aku sarat dengan dugaan dan ujianNya, CTM mampu membuatkan aku kembali bersemangat. Aku sedar bahawa dalam kesakitan hidup, masih ada ‘sebab’ untuk tertawa.

Terima kasih Tuhan!



p/s: Hujung bulan ini ada pementasan Natrah. Ada sahabat dari jauh awal berpesan untuk pastikan aku membawanya menonton. Ada lagi yang mahu turut serta?

Antara Gerimis Dan Gerhana

Yang terluntur dalam renyai gerimis
adalah surat cintamu
yang kehilangan warna pertama
bait syair yang sempurna.

Yang tersembunyi dalam
kolam gerhana adalah
redup sepasang matamu
yang seringkali mengisyaratkan
antara harapan dan igauan
dalam pesona yang panjang.

Antara gerimis dan gerhana
telah menjarakkan dua benua
dan meleraikan ikatan
yang bernama cinta.

Confession 2 : Tired of Life

It seem like it was just yesterday I just awaken of my bleakest says. Then I fell into the uncertainty again. I’m tired of this life. Again. Trial after trials. Test after tests.

Nothing is too good to be enough. Nothing is too much to be all right again. Everything seems so hard. The sky is falling down on me. Everything is so dark!

I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt truly happy. When someone or something caused me to laugh out loud so hard that my stomach pained me and my jaw ached.

I missed eating good food instead of it becoming just a way to stuff myself to avoid hunger in such a way of something to do to pass the time.

I even missed reading; researching and analyzing my storyline instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. To endure the emptiness of thought that creep in my mind whenever I need useful plot or meaningful words. For now, it remains blank. Hopefully, it is temporary. Otherwise, it will be a disaster to me. A tragedy.

I missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind then drifted to sleep easily. With no aid of a good book. Or crying my heart out until I feel my own damp pillows. Or pushing myself into exercise routines so hard till all my muscled tired, dropped dead on the cold floor.

And hating the feeling that I have no reason to wake up. And hate the wishes in me, which I hope to never to wake up ever again. Hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to.

Life is a mere bleak existence. The hours just passed me by these days without knowing what day it is. Seemed like I lived outside my own body, numb to everything. Drifted to nowhere. I never feel so tired in my life. Everything I do is meaningless. Sometimes, I do wonder whys all this happening to me while I sat alone in my darkened house. It even doesn’t feels like home anymore.

I don’t know the answer of these questions, no matter how hard I tried to understand, analyze it. Why I’m so unlucky in life? Why my world, used to be peaceful, happy and serene, are crumbling down on and around me? Why is happiness fled from my grasp?

And, I do wonder, after all that happening around and within myself all this time, how could I be standing still?

Giving

Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving."

And he answered:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;

And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving

And is there aught you would withhold?

All you have shall some day be given;

Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."

The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.

They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.

Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.

And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.

And what desert greater shall there be than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?

And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?

See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.

For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.

Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;

For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother, and God for father.




Kredit: Kahlil Gibran

Confession 1

There are so many reasons not to write. Hectic schedules. Exhausted body and mind. Not in the mood. But, the truth is, I found that my life is so ordinary, nothing worth to write about. For this time being. Yes, there’s always something happening in and around me, but some thing are too personal to share or to put in writing.

Hence, the gap in writing.