Kemaafan, Dendam Yang Terindah...!

Memaafkan memang mudah, hanya dengan kata-kata. Tapi luka sebuah kemaafan itu tidak mudah dilupakan oleh kata-kata.

Dalam keasingan yang mendera malam, semuanya terasa merangkul. Ada sayu di dada. Ada sepi di jiwa. Ada sendu tersisa di indera.

Apabila diimbas kembali catatan diri, aku akur. Banyak kecewa yang ada kalanya hampir mengoyah kental. Hampir meracun diri. Jalan yang kita lalui bukan selalunya indah. Ada sembilu. Ada ranjau. Namun, hidup ini bukan hukuman. Derita itulah bahagia sebenar.

Dan walaupun luka itu tidak mudah dilupakan, ia membahagiakan.

Amat.

Friendship

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."

Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit. For love that seeks taught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.


Kredit: Khalil Gibran

p/s: guys, i always welcome friendships....no more!

The Longest Day on Earth

The tidal bulges in the Earth’s ocean, caused by the gravitational effect of the Moon; are gradually transferring momentum from the Earth’s rotation to the Moon’s orbit. As a result, the Earth’s rotation is slowing at a rate of around 0.02 seconds per century and each day is fractionally longer than the day before. Therefore, the longest day on Earth is always TODAY!



You know what? I'm working today! Funny, rite! To be honest, I never work on Public Holiday, but nowadays when I joined this company recently, I’m only got full off day on Sunday! Half day on Saturday. Sometimes, it made me smile all alone coz I’d used to have my own 'office hour' but now I relearn to follow other. Well, it's life!

Today, everything is a bit slow here. Everybody seems like enjoying their holiday. Unlike us, here at the office. Yesterday, at office, we had 'Gift Games'. In our daily briefing, everybody bring a present and all of us given a number randomly. So, the first person can choose any gift from the pile of presents. She/He had to open it o show us. Second person can open new present or 'stole' the present from the first person. And so on. If that happen, the person which gift had 'stolen' can open new present or can 'stole' other's opened present.

It's hilarious funny! Firstly, I opened random present. Got a soft toy! Then, it get ‘stolen’ from me, I choose a box that like a book for me…guess what? I’m right! It’s a book. And nobody wants to take it away from me this time! Haha! So, as a book lover, I guess it’s blessing!

Two day ago, I bought 7 books from a book sale nearby my place. Despite of my ‘nearly red’ budget, I willingly sacrifice my ‘duit belanja’ to buy books! Typical me! It’s reminding me, when at school, I used to save my pocket money, 50 cents a day to buy book. Willingly went without food on recess in order to get my favorite story book! I guess, I’ll stay the same forever!

So, anybody want to give me books for present on this festive season of giving? Well, you are most welcome to! :)

Gosh!!!

Life is full of unwanted surprises. At the wrong time. At a wrong place. When my heart broke for the second time, I said to myself, “Enough! Just forget about men or relationship or whatever it is and move on! Lead your live the way you want it without any interference anymore! The depression’s over! Live your life!”

Then, when I need no more ‘distraction’, it keeps coming to me. At gym, where I do work out most morning before starts working, there’s a guy who keep his eyes on me! Two guys actually! Then, one day, one of them introduces himself to me and asks to be a friend. What a gentlemen. I like his bravery, so after some period of time, I give him my number! We end up smsing and become friends. But, he asked for more. The other guy is shyer, I guess!

Later is someone who I met ‘accidentally’ on a chat room. I do chat sometime when I’m can’t write in order to pass the time. At first, the usual intro, we talked about general stuff. I never reveal too much about myself but seem like he knows a lot about me. It keeps me wondering why and how. Frankly, he confessed to like me even before we started chatting. He tried to get my ‘attention’ so many times before but unable to get ‘close’ to me. Whenever, I’m online, for sure he’s there, waiting for me. Told me everything about himself. (like I do believe it!). He is very determine to chat with me everyday, even want to KL to meet me in person. Somehow, I know he want more than just an online friend.

To be honest: I’m damn tired of it! My heart now is full of fear! Fear of men, relationship, uncertainties, rejection, unfulfilled expectations. Even, sometimes, I don’t even feel confidence myself! Like people said, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!’

I guess, 3 shots, I’m out! Do I dare to take this shot this time?

How I Wish...!

How I wish to go home with heavy heart by office or menial thing outside, then opens the door, seeing dia and by the look of me, he’ll open up his arms, bear hugged me, let me cry until my river of tears stop by itself without uttering even one word!

And now, how I wish to be in somebody arms to cry my heart out!

Kodomo Bento

Sometimes, a very simple gesture or habit can make a very big change. I don’t know about other, but there’s something within me had changed. Whenever I go to my favorite place, I always headed out for Sushi King for a simple and healthy meal. As usual, I opted for ‘kodomo bento’ meal set. The portion and its variety of food suited my taste bud and just nice for my fill of food, without to waste any. For years, I’d been ordering the same meal, except for occasional sushi, sashimi, tempura or udon noodles.

Then, after I met dia, we discovered that we had the same passion for Japanese food. So, at our second so-called date, we decided to try SK at my favorite place. As being a gentleman, he asked me to order first, which I did. Being myself, I order that set. Then his turn. After that, he told me that his ex was usually ordering the same meal every time they went out together. My heart suddenly felt cold in an instance. But luckily I manage to act cool at that moment. So, when the foods arrived, he just went eating like nothing happened, unlike me. The rice feels like dust or small rocks. The tempura lost its taste. I had to force myself to finish every morsel on my plate as we continued chatting during the lunch.

So, today, I take early leave from office and went there. I didn’t have breakfast, so I decided to have something to eat first, before doing anything. Automatically, I’m thinking about SK, but I force myself to choose other meals besides Japanese food. Its ten minutes to three, so I guess the food court is not full of people. But, I’m dead wrong. So many people that my feet bring me to SK.

Well, fine than.

The waiter came and asked what I want to eat. I nearly blurred up ‘kodomo bento’ but caught up in time to say ‘soba cold set’. To be honest, that’s exactly what I need at the time but I simply can’t say it out aloud. Out of the blue, I started to hate that meal. I don’t know why or how it happened, but the ‘ghost’ of kodomo bento really gets me.

And now, our relationship is hanging by the thread, because of his ex. We are just started, but because of her, we can’t go on. I hate this. Their time is gone. So let it be. I simply can’t take it. I also had my share of failed/past relationship, but I didn’t let it overcrowded the new one. Let bygone be gone. Start fresh. Create new history with new partner or companion. Don’t be overshadowing by the past. Otherwise, you’ll never move on.

Drastically, my habit changed. I no longer longs for ‘kodomo bento’ I despised it now. Something I used to love so much, turned up to be the ones I hate most now. Sometimes, I do wonder. Maybe as long as I alive, I never order that meal again. Ever.

Selamat Tahun Baru!

Mak berada di rumahku selepas sesi ‘tour’ satu Malayanya. Biasalah, cuti sekolah! Itulah aktivitinya tatkala cuti panjang. Menziarah anak cucu! Selepas seminggu dua di Johor, dia dan adik bongsuku datang ke KL. Bermula dengan rumah abangku no. 3 di Bangi, dia ke rumah kakak no.3ku di pusat bandar. Dan giliran rumahku. Sempat bermalam. Sebelum ke rumah abang no. 2, keesokan harinya. Selepas itu ke Terengganu, sebelum kembali ke kampung. Pendek kata, itulah rutinnya setiap hujung tahun!

Kebetulan, Awal Muharam. Jadi, kami sempat solat hujung tahun dan puasa sunat keesokkan harinya. Malam itu, kami (aku, mak, adik dan anak-anak) bersembang hingga ke dinihari. Oleh kerana aku memang akan bangun jam 6 setiap hari, tiada masalah untukku bangun sejam lebih awal dan sediakan pasta untuk sahur. Mak, adik dan anak-anakku berselera makan penne pesto pagi-pagi buta! And coffee Radix special for my mum!

As usual, bila mak ‘melawat kawasan’ ni, soalan-soalan lazim akan kedengaran. Contohnya: ‘Tak takut ke duduk sorang?’, ‘Dah ada special ke?’, ‘Sampai bila nak kerja tak ingat dunia ni?’ Dan seterusnya.

Dan bila aku jawab, ‘Lupakanlah. Mungkin aku lebih sesuai sendirian.’ Mak mula bising dan ‘berceramah’. Aku cuma mampu diam dan buat lawak bodoh! Dan di’cover’ ketawa dan gelagat anak-anakku!

Aku faham kerisauan seorang ibu. Namun, apa dayaku. Ada perkara di luar batas kemampuan kita. Jawapanku ringkas. Aku sudah penat! Cuma mahu teruskan kelangsungan hidup tanpa perlu fikirkan tentang lelaki lagi. Cuma mahu mencapai ‘financial independence’ tanpa perlu menyusahkan orang lain. Apa yang aku mampu lakukan ialah berserah kepadaNya.

Jadi, apa azamku tahun baru ini? Entahlah!

Tired of life

It seem like it was just yesterday I just awaken of my bleakest says. Then I fell into the uncertainty again. I’m tired of this life. Again. Trial after trials. Test after tests.

Nothing is too good to be enough. Nothing is too much to be all right again. Everything seems so hard. The sky is falling down on me. Everything is so dark!

I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt truly happy. When someone or something caused me to laugh out loud so hard that my stomach pained me and my jaw ached.

I missed eating good food instead of it becoming just a way to stuff myself to avoid hunger in such a way of something to do to pass the time.

I even missed reading; researching and analyzing my storyline instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. To endure the emptiness of thought that creep in my mind whenever I need useful plot or meaningful words. For now, it remains blank. Hopefully, it is temporary. Otherwise, it will be a disaster to me. A tragedy.

I missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind then drifted to sleep easily. With no aid of a good book. Or crying my heart out until I feel my own damp pillows. Or pushing myself into exercise routines so hard till all my muscled tired, dropped dead on the cold floor.

And hating the feeling that I have no reason to wake up. And hate the wishes in me, which I hope to never to wake up ever again. Hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to.

Life is a mere bleak existence. The hours just passed me by these days without knowing what day it is. Seemed like I lived outside my own body, numb to everything. Drifted to nowhere. I never feel so tired in my life. Everything I do is meaningless. Sometimes, I do wonder whys all this happening to me while I sat alone in my darkened house. It even doesn’t feels like home anymore.

I don’t know the answer of these questions, no matter how hard I tried to understand, analyze it. Why I’m so unlucky in life? Why my world, used to be peaceful, happy and serene, are crumbling down on and around me? Why is happiness fled from my grasp?

And, I do wonder, after all that happening around and within myself all this time, how could I be standing still?

Kisah Aku Dan Dia

Aku mahu berkongsi satu cerita lucu. Tentang aku dan dia. Oppss, dua cerita sebenarnya. Tapi aku cerita satu dulu. Pasti korang gelak sakan punya! My family and friends yang dah tau memang gelak giler!

Raya Aidiladha lepas, aku tak balik kampung. Maklumlah, baru masuk tempat baru. Jadi cuti pendek saja. Malas nak balik. Lagipun ‘tumpangan’ku balik awal. Memang tak boleh join balik. So, a few day before raya, aku saja telefon mak. Bagitau awal-awal sebab musabab aku tak balik. My mum say ok, dia tak kisah. Lagi pun ramai ahli keluarga yang balik. Cuma aku dan kakak aku and family dia kat JB jer yang tak balik.

Kebetulan masa itu, banjir memang melanda negeri-negeri pantai timur. Walaupun tidak seteruk mana, kampung aku turut dilanda bah. Mak cakap air masuk dapur belakang. Memang dapur belakang rendah sikit. Aku ada dua dapur, dapur kering dan dapur basah. Dapur kering, tempat kitaorang lepak-lepak, makan-makan, tengok tv dan back up tidur. Dapur basah ni tempat masak-masak dan buat kerja dapur. So, dapur basah ler yang basah! Dan dapur basah ni bersambung dengan bilik air. 3 bilik air, you, jangan marah!

Biasalah rumah kampung kan, memang bilik airnya ada lubang. Untuk aliran air keluar. Dan memang jadi laluan makhluk Tuhan (baca: katak!) keluar masuk. Jadi bila bah, memang havoc bilik air kitaorang kat dapur ni jadi heaven ‘diorang’.

Memang ada satu lagi bilik air kat area ruang tamu. Yang ni, takde katak, sebab kedudukannya tinggi. Tapi aku tak suka guna sangat sebab tekanan airnya agak rendah daripada bilik-bilik air kat dapur.

Dan ari tu, mak aku siap cakap, “Baguslah tak balik. Takdelah dengar menjerit lagi!” Aku terus gelak on the spot! My mum pun join gelak! Dalam telefon tu, beb!

Bukan apa, satu family dah tau aku takut katak. Setiap kali aku balik kampung, setiap kali aku nak guna bilik air, aku mesti tertinjau-tinjau kat entrance bilik air dulu. Bila line ‘clear’, baru aku masuk. Kalau tidak, no way man!

Adik-adik aku dan anak-anak aku memang maklum sangat dengan fe’el aku ni. Pagi-pagi, bila diorang nampak aku bertuala dan bawak baju, diorang siap ‘survey’ dulu. Halau apa yang patut. Kalau ok, baru diorang cakap boleh masuk. Sampai macam tu, punya sporting! Sayang korang!

Tapi biasalah kan. Pasti ada yang ‘terlepas’ kan. So, satu hari tu, aku tengah syok syampoo dan sabun badan, tetiba aku tengok ‘benda’ tu melompat-lompat! Kecik jer tapi bulu roma aku terus naik mencacak! Apalagi, menjeritlah! Satu kampung dengar! Nasib baik aku sempat capai tuala then terus keluar ke dapur. Kalau tidak, ada yang free show kang!

Yang bestnya, satu family datang untuk rescue. My mum siap bawak penyapu. Adik aku bawak batang buluh (yang memang ada kat dapur), anak buat aku bawak penyapu lidi, abang aku bawak kayu ntah apa-apa ntah. Semuanya nak halau katak!

Memang heboh! Meriah! Kalahkan pasar malam! Dua tiga kali gak le 'benda' ni jadi. Walaupun dah QC, memang ada gak yang defect, terbolos ‘benda’ ni masuk bilik air. Dan setiap kali ia berlaku, aku akan menjerit sakan. Keluar bilik air dengan muka pucat dan kalau ‘benda’ tu besar dan menakutkan, aku akan mengigil sambil keluar air mata. Adik-adik aku, especially anak-anak aku memang confirm akan kenakan aku lepas tu! Diorang gelak, memang tak payah cakap ler!

Ada yang siap plan nak buat April Fool, bagi katak dalam kotak kat aku tu. Ada sekali diorang cuba buat, tapi mak aku sempat selamatkan aku. Tapi sempat mengigil jugak ler. Aku marah giler. Pastu, tahun tu, aku tak kasi bebudak tu duit raya. So, they’ve learned their lesson. Lepas tu, mereka tak berani buat lagi dah!

So, sampai sekarang aku memang fobia dengan 'benda' ni. Tapi dah boleh control sikit la. Takdelah menjerit setiap kali nampak. Setiap kali aku nampak dia tempat aku nak lalu, aku sanggup ambil jalan jauh, nak elak. Dan kalau 'dia' 'lalu' masa aku tengah lepak, automatiknya bulu roma aku akan meremang dan aku jadi tak senang duduk. Terus standby nak lari.

Bila aku citer kat few sahabat aku, diorang memang gelak tak ingat dunia. Ada yang sampai gelak guling-guling lagik! Teruk betul diorang kan!

p/s: Ada yang gelak sakan gak ke?

Depression and Hope

“You can’t be happy unless you learn to feel at peace with who you are and aren’t doubting yourself. I’ve learned to overcome a lot of anxiety about myself and I don’t weighted down by life anymore…”

That’s what Kirsten Dunst said about her battle of depression. I’m happy for her. At last, she had found internal peace in herself to move on. Way to go, girl!

To start bright and early in this coming new year, I want to talk about depression. First, I agree with Ms. Dunst that we have to accept who we really are – our strength, weaknesses, insecurities, virtues, etc – in order to live positively. Some of us might fortunately lucky to have everything in his/her live, but for most of us, everyday is a battle of survival. Life, family, career, financial, relationship and all. Life isn’t bed of roses for everyone, right?

There’s an excellent and very positive article in The Malaysian Women Weekly, January edition, it titled: Fell 100% Happier. It started with this sentence: Is your glass half full or half empty? (sound cliché, like overused phrase in motivational or self-built book/article, but it work!) I found it very inspiring!

To be honest, 2009 did not bring me any improvement in my personal life as much as I hope for. I did not achieved some target I’d set for myself, but that’s all right. It just that I have to work harder, go further and pray more!

I used to those disappointment in life. I know that the greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing my heart and soul in the process. Maybe that is the blessing in disguise that appeared in the shapes of pains, losses and disappointments for this time being. Give it some time and patience; it will reveal its true figures. Or maybe I’m too ‘blind’ to see it.

I can not tell what may happen in future, but I believe in myself; that I’m gifted in something, and that these things, at whatever cost, must be attained. I will not agree for less because I believe the minute I settle for less than I deserve, I get even less than I’ve settled for. Sooner or later, my time will come. It’s just a matter of time.

May God bless me!

Kadang kala

Kadang kala, kita tidak perasan sesuatu itu datang kepada kita. Kadang-kadang kita sedar kehadirannya setelah ia mahu pergi. Ada kalanya, kita perasan dan sedar, tetapi sengaja tidak mahu mengendahkannya.

Datang dan pergi. Kembali dan pergi. Kadang kala tidak datang kembali. Ada yang membekas. Ada yang selajur lalu sahaja. Mungkin bersebab. Mungkin sengaja. Mungkin takdir. Perlukah diingati atau lupakan sahaja?

Duhai Teman...

Teman,

Aku kembali menjadi pengharap yang setia. Bersendirian membuatkan aku mengenal diri. Apa yang aku ingini dalam hidup. Apa yang telah kulalui membuatkan aku sedar, kehidupan adalah sesuatu yang fana. Hidup ini singkat. Amat singkat. Semuanya terasa merangkul.

Ada perkara yang berlaku ada kalanya tidak ingin kulakukan. Ada perkara yang memalukan diri sendiri. Ada perkara yang aku harapkan berlaku sebagaimana apa yang aku harapkan dan ada perkara berlaku sebaliknya. Kembara hidup ini mengajar aku banyak perkara. Kesabaran. Keberanian. Ketabahan. Keegoan. Prinsip diri. Takdir. Hikmah. Semuanya bergabung menjadi satu. Semuanya mengajar aku kembali kepada diri sendiri, kembali kepadaNya.

Hidup ini terlalu singkat untuk terus hanyut dalam ilusi. Terkadang, kita, tanpa sedar, terlalu mengejar sesuatu sehingga terlupa meluangkan walau sesaat untuk berfikir. Tentang makna sebuah kehidupan. Terkadang, kita terlupa untuk menghargai apa yang ada di sekeliling kita, sebaliknya kita banyak mensia-siakan waktu dan tenaga yang ada dengan mendambakan sesuatu yang belum kita miliki sedangkan apa yang telah kita miliki masa ini adalah apa yang kita dambakan sebelum ini.

Kita juga seringkali terlupa bahawa yang paling penting dalam hidup ini adalah bukan apa yang telah terjadi pada kita tetapi sikap kita dalam menangani apa yang telah menimpa kita. Segala apa yang berlaku mempunyai keindahan yang tersendiri, tetapi tidak semua daripada kita dapat menikmatinya. Hidup ini tidak selalunya indah, tetapi segala yang indah itu akan hidup dalam kenangan kita.

Aku mula mengerti akan makna hidup dalam erti kata yang sebenar. Kehidupan yang sebenar rupanya terletak pada kebahagian yang kita rasai sesudah kita berduka, kejernihan jiwa setelah dilanda duga dan uji, kasih sayang seakhirnya perbalahan, kejayaan yang dicapai selepas kegagalan demi kegalan dan harapan yang memenuhi dada kita setelah kita hampir berputus asa untuk hidup. Rupanya, selama ini, Tuhan telah menempatkan penunjuk kepada cahaya yang terang dalam setiap jiwa daripada kita, tetapi kita sahaja yang berkeras mencari kehidupan di luar diri kita, tidak sedar apa yang dicari selama ini ada dalam diri kita sendiri. Sehinggalah kita bertemu cahaya itu. Itu yang membuatkan hidup ini penuh bererti!

Jauh di sudut hati, dalam kesibukan rutin harian, terkadang aku merindui bicara dinihari kita sewaktu dulu. Dalam kembara hidup yang singkat kita mencuri waktu; dalam jeda waktu yang sepatutnya sudah dilamun mimpi, untuk kembali mengumpul kudrat untuk meneruskan rancangan pada keesokkan hari, tapi kita masih tegar dan bugar. Hari demi hari, dalam celahan lagu alam dinihari, kita berbicara tentang hidup dan kehidupan.

Tentang ruwetnya kehidupan kini. Betapa payah aku menjadi wanita moden dalam ruang lingkup yang terbatas. Betapa seksanya kau dalam memilih teman untuk berkongsi hidup dalam dunia sekarang penghuninya hampir kepupusan santunnya. Tentang harapan dan impian masa depan. Tentang igauan masa lampau. Tentang segala-galanya!

Waktu bagaikan statik, dan kita ibarat penghasrat yang membara dengan naif dalam pencarian sesuatu yang bernama ketenangan. Dalam kesempatan yang terdingin oleh embun hening, kita akhirnya ketemu apa yang dicari. Ketenangan itu adalah sesuatu yang indah untuk dinikmati, namun yang indah itulah yang sukar untuk dicari dan dimiliki. Dan aku amat bersyukur dan bertuah diberi kesempatan untuk menikmati keindahan itu bersamamu walau sebentar cuma.

Mengenalimu, walaupun tidak seperti biasa, membuatkan aku lebih mengenali diriku sendiri. Bicara kita di hujung talian, bertukar-tukar surat maya dan sesekali berbual di laman skrin meninggalkan kesan yang mendalam. Kau membuatkanku lebih menghargai hidup. Lebih ....

Betapa aku ingin kembali ke saat itu. Cukuplah jika kita mampu mengimbau kembali rentetan suka duka sepanjang perjalanan menjadi teman yang mampu berkongsi rasa. Ramai antara kita yang berkawan dan bersahabat tetapi tidak ramai antara kita yang mampu menjadi teman yang akrab. Seperti kita.

Namun, realitinya, tiada siapa yang mampu hidup ke belakang. Kita cuma mampu berupaya memandang ke hadapan. Itulah kehidupan.

Alangkah!

Beauty

And a poet said, "Speak to us of Beauty. Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide? And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say, "Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us."

And the passionate say, "Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread. Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us."

The tired and the weary say, "beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit. Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow."

But the restless say, "We have heard her shouting among the mountains. And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions."

At night the watchmen of the city say, "Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east." And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say, "we have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset."

In winter say the snow-bound, "She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills."

And in the summer heat the reapers say, "We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair."

All these things have you said of beauty. Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied. And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy. It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth, but rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear, but rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.

It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw, but rather a garden forever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil.

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.




Kredit: Khalil Gibran

A Day In My Life...

Something nice happen today. While at gym, I talked to a very nice person. Different gender and races, but we found out we have so many thing in common. We agreed in our view of today’s goverment’s uncompetentcy. Or lack of it L. We share similar fear/concern for next generation, due to our current political and society illness in our environment today. How people simply can’t live together in peace and harmony anymore. Everybody are so selfish, full of themselves, unwilling to tolerate other’s cultures and heritage. Life’s nowadays seem like a time bomb, just waiting to exploded!

What’s matter most is who we are, not our races or our origin. Make full use of our advantages/strenghts to lead a better life. Well, we live on the same Mother Earth, right? Our diversity are unique, makes life more colorful and exciting, not just grey and dull. Yeah, we had our differences, weaknesses, but it didnt have to put a boundary to mingle around and be prosperous.

Suprisingly, we also found out few things as well. Love for archery. Books. Travelling. Mount climbing. And just chilled out by having a cuppa, watching movie or simply take a walk in a park. Unlike some of us, who prefer more energetic or lively entertainment. Both of us lived abroad before, so we, more or less, have same view or point of life’s highlights.

We talked almost two hours, despite of our workload and schedule. I enjoyed our talk. It’s refreshing, compared to usual topic of materialistic and superficial stuffs among some of my peers. Time flies when we are enjoying ourselves, right!

Menikmati Perubahan

Perubahan.

Kita semua pasti berubah. Semua orang akan berubah mengikut masa dan keadaan. Sebab kita semua akan dewasa dan menjadi lebih matang dari sehari ke sehari. Kadang-kala kita lihat orang yang pernah kita kenali tu macam orang asing. Kita mungkin tak kenal dia lagi. Mungkin kerana dia telah berubah atau mungkin kerana kita sendiri yang telah berubah. Semua ini menjadi kenyataan hidup

Satu hari nanti kita akan sedar bahawa hidup ini sebenarnya tidak bermakna. Kita dilahirkan ke dunia, kemudian kita akan mati. Tetapi kita tidak semestinya pasrah. Kita masih boleh menikmati hidup. Walau sesingkat mana. Walau seperit mana. Masih ada keindahan. Masih ada kebahagiaan.

Sebenarnya jawapan kepada kehidupan kita ada di dalam diri jika kita mencarinya betul-betul. Tanya pada hati dan akal. Dan perubahan yang telah, sedang dan akan berlaku membuktikan segala-galanya.

Rememberance

So tired of these straight lines. Restless. Hopeless. Everywhere I turned, it seems lead me back to where I started. ‘Thieves’ and vultures at the back. The hurricane of life keeps twisting. Sometimes the glorious sadness brought me to my knees. Sometimes those sweet memories keep coming back to haunt and drag me down. I’ll not easily give up.

Those precious moments in life are the gems of lifetime. Sometimes, it’s all we got. To go on and endure the hardness of life. All the life, we wait for the chance or for someone to share a life with. But somehow, when it right in front of us, we failed to see it. Sometimes, it’s just not mean to be. It is all right.

At the end of the day, it just me and loneliness. Once it found me, it has been around since then. It knows all my thoughts in the silence of the nights. I used to love the loneliness. It gave me some space and time to be myself, to be with myself, to let my mind wonders this universe, able to create things on my own, to licks my own wound and brokenhearted, to converse with my inner soul. To be at peace.

No matter how nice or good person I am. No matter how badly I long for it, no matter how hard I prayed for it, I’ll never get it. There’s always reasons I feel not good enough Because I knew, happiness is not going to be mine.

Period.

Seminggu Ini...

Hidup perlu diteruskan. Hari ini bermula satu kursus untuk peningkatan kerjayaku. Biar aku sahaja tahu kursus apa. Penat dan pening diluar jangkaan. Ini baru hari pertama. Duhai hati, sabarlah. Harapnya dapat dihabiskan lebih awal. Awal pagi sudah keluar rumah, lewat malam baru kembali. Ditambah pulak dengan sifat 'vampire'ku dalam menyiapkan 3 buah karya kreatif secara serentak. Rehat dan makan sedikit terabai. Maaf duhai editorku, terlambat menyempurnakan janji 'dateline'. But you know me, I always keep my words! Just be patient, okay!

Jadi seminggu lebih jugalah, teratak kecilku ini akan terbiar. Walaupun banyak yang telah aku tulis dan akan tulis, ia masih perlu tambahan/olahan agar untaian kesinambungannya muluk dan lebih memberi erti. Bukan sekadar entries biasa. Terpaksa mengalah oleh keadaan. Perlu utamakan kepentingan tertentu. Harap yang sudi singgah di sini sabar dan memahami.

Kepada mereka yang cuba menghubungi dan gagal (baca: tidak diangkat), tolong sms dan kenalkan diri. Aku masih dalam proses mengumpulkan semula semua senarai 'PhoneBook'ku. Apapun, terima kasih kerana sudi. Aku amat menghargainya!

Salam

Another Setback!

I lost my handphone today. Just reclaimed my SIM card, but not the numbers in it. Only able to save some old numbers. So any friend, so-called friends, soon-to-be friends, clients and whoever read this, please let me know your current number/s by smsing or leave a note here. FYI, I’m still using the same number, 017-xxxxxxx. Thanx!

p/s: S***! Habis hilang no. member2 kat oversea. Kalau local, boleh mintak balik, tp kalau camni, camne?

These Important Things...

The important things in life always happened by accident. As teenager, I don’t know much about it, in fact, with each passing years I was a lot less clear about most things. But this much I know.

You could worry yourself sick trying to be a better person, spend a thousand sleepless nights figuring out how to live clean, decent and honest life. You could make a plan and bolt it in place, kneel by the bed every night and swear to God you’d stick to it. But somehow, out of the black beyond, like a hawk on a rat, some nameless catastrophe would swoop into your life and turn everything upside down and inside out forever.

Now as an adult, as I watching a lone eagle soars the blue sky, I realize that I still don’t know much about it. In my view of life, everything is mapped all out decided and as just got revealed to me as I went along. Somehow, there are accidents and then I have to make choices. Plenty of those. It’s just that sometimes the important ones aren’t mine to make. And I have to live with these subsequent of it. One thing I’m sure, things happened for a reason. Or for million reasons, for god sake.

Normally, we have these grand ideas of fame and fortune when they were young. And as we grow older, we got real and settled for less. Or maybe we just simply discovered that there were other things that were more important in life. Life goes on and on.

But, still, I don’t know much.

Pegun dan Berubah

Hidup adalah kembara mencari erti. Dalam kembara diri, kita pasti menemui dan merasai pelbagai rencah kehidupan. Ada yang membahagiakan. Ada yang mendukacitakan. Dan satu hari nanti kita akan sedar bahawa hidup ini sebenarnya tidak bermakna. Kita dilahirkan ke dunia, kemudian kita akan mati. Itu adalah kenyataannya. Tetapi kita tidak semestinya pasrah. Sebenarnya jawapan kepada kehidupan kita ada di dalam diri jika kita mencarinya betul-betul.

Ada perkara yang lebih baik andai kekal pegun. Namun banyak perkara tidak boleh tidak terus statik seperti biasa. Perlu ada perubahan. Kita semua pasti berubah. Semua orang akan berubah mengikut masa dan keadaan. Sebab kita semua akan dewasa dan menjadi lebih matang dari sehari ke sehari. Kadang-kala kita lihat orang yang pernah kita kenali semacam orang asing. Kita mungkin tidak kenal dia lagi. Mungkin kerana dia telah berubah atau mungkin kerana kita sendiri yang telah berubah.

Semua ini menjadi kenyataan hidup. Antara pegun dan berubah, mana satu pilihan hati dan akal?

Love and Me

Love is merely a bandage; and oasis in hell; a raft in a tempestuous sea. It keeps us from facing the truth – that no matter whom we are or what we are – we are alone. Ultimately, we are all alone.

Yes, we are all alone. I agree. But we can’t live without love. No matter when love is pathetically blind. And it is not the only ultimate thing in life. Even the wisest men make fools of themselves about women and even the most foolish women are wise about men. It’s not foolish to love. It’s just pointless giving all your love to the wrong person.

I made mistake in love too. First, fallen to someone whom I thought have certain qualities I seek. At that time, I’m far superior to him in every aspects of life. I nearly had a life with him, regardless what people say. In times, I hope that he’d become a better person I thought he will be but it turned out that he wasn’t man enough for me. God saved me from making the mistake of a lifetime. But still, it leaved a scar within me. Unfortunately, from that moment, my peaceful and contented world took a turn to downhill.

Then, when I nearly give it up, I found someone who has so much similarity with me. Our thoughts, our view of life, or losses, or desire are nearly the same. We also in the same league in life. Feels like a dream. But again, God seems like against me. When we thought that we are ready to put everything behind us and start fresh, the ghost of his past coming back to haunt him. And he wasn't really ready to let it go. Appearantly. There is nothing I can do.

It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. There is a basic human weakness inherited in all people which tempts them to want what they can’t have and not want what is readily available to them. And to have what they want, not what they really need to be better in life. To be honest, I’ve been there myself. I've seen it all, within family and friends. So, I do understand. There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he is absolutely free to choose.

I had made my choice. But there are few words of wisdom from me. What I’ve learned from my own experience. Obligation is not love. Responsibility is not love. Don't always be a provider but instead be a motivator. Letting someone be open and honest and free to make mistakes and learn from it – that’s love. It’s got to be natural and it got to come real. Let it become the guides instead of merely the follower. To be better and wiser as time goes by.

I’m not going to live according to someone else’s rules and expectation. Or being keep measured to someone else. I just want to be myself and will not live an unlived life. I want to live content with small means – to study, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to the birds and wind, to smell the rain, to look at the sun, the sky, the moon, the stars; to seek elegance rather than luxury; refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich. In a word, to live my life to its fullest as long as God granted me this precious time.

And I believe that the only love we give away is the only love we keep. You will find only one true love in your life and if you are lucky, you’ll get to spend the rest of your life with him/her. I’m not that lucky but I’m glad of this life. To love is to admire with the heart and to admire is to love with the mind. Regardless it disappointments, it gives me the chance to love, to cherish and to appreciate all its beauty. It’s all that matter!

The best relationship is the one the love of one for another matters more than the need to be with each other. All good things are difficult to achieve and bad things are very easy to get. I understood.

Period.

Menyirat Keikhlasan

Aku tahu semua orang mempunyai cabaran dan dugaan hidup yang tersendiri. Dalam pelbagai bentuk dan peringkat ujian. Kesukaran dan kesakitan hidup mengajar aku banyak perkara. Kegagalan dan kekecewaan membuatkan aku begitu tertekan, tetapi ia juga mendatangkan kekuatan dalam membina jati diri. Yang terpenting adalah bukan apa yang terjadi dengan kita atau apa yang menimpa kita, namun sikap kita dalam menghadapi situasi itu. Apa yang kita belajar daripadanya. Bak kat Socrates;hidup yang tidak mendapat tentangan ialah hidup yang tidak berharga.

Hidupku ini adalah sesuatu yang amat berharga. Dan aku mula mengerti bahawa hidup kita di dunia ini adalah satu perjuangan. Perjuangan mencari erti. Kita berjuang untuk membuktikan sesuatu. Material dan/atau spiritual. Musuh terbesar kita ialah ketiadaan makna dalam hidup. Dan diri sendiri. Sesetengah daripada kita berjaya dalam perjuangan mereka. Ada juga yang masih berjuang. Sepertiku.

Namun hidup ini terlalu singkat untuk membuktikan segala-galanya. Dan daripada hidup, aku belajar menjadi seorang yang ikhlas.Ikhlas menjadi diri sendiri. Ikhlas menerima kekurangan diri. Ikhlas menghadapi segala kegagalan hidup. Ikhlas memberi tanpa mengharapkan balasan.

Melaluinya, aku dapat menikmati suatu rasa yang indah. Sebenarnya dalam segala di dunia ini memiliki keindahan, cuma tidak semua yang dapat melihatnya. Namun segala yang indah itulah yang sukar untuk dinikmati. Aku bersyukur dengan kurniaan nikmatNya. Ketenangan juga adalah sesuatu yang indah. Aku harap dan berdoa agar aku mampu menikmati keindahan ini buat satu tempoh yang tiada sudahnya.

Amin.

Cuci the Musical

Khamis lalu, 5 November 2009, aku berpeluang menonton teater Cuci The Musical (CTM) bersama seorang teman lama. Walaupun aku agak terlambat tiba tetapi masih tepat pada masa tirai persembahan dibuka. Untuk sinopsis cerita, boleh rujuk di sini.

Oleh kerana CTM adalah adaptasi daripada filem Cuci, aku menjangkakan ia bersifat komedi dengan aksi-aksi yang melucukan. Namun yang tidak aku jangkakan ialah ia mampu membuatkan aku ketawa dari awal persembahan sehinggalah tirai dilabuhkan. Jangka masa 8.30 malam sehingga awal 12.30 pagi tidak terasa lambat berlalu. Ia memang menghiburkan!

Terus terang aku katakan bahawa aku bukanlah peminat cerita-cerita komedi atau hiburan ringan seperti ini. Aku lebih berminat dengan karya-karya yang sarat nilai estetikanya dan ‘berat’ yang mampu membuatkan aku berfikir melangkaui apa yang dipersembahkan. Namun lakonan bersahaja Afdlin Shauki, Hans Isaac, AC Mizal dan Awie berjaya memberi suntikan komedi sehingga tenggelam Vanida Imran yang sememangnya tidak dinafikan bakat lakonannya. Lawak-lawaknya amat subtle dan tidak over sebagaimana karya-karya komedi yang lain.

Aku bukanlah orang yang tahu tentang dunia seni ini, tetapi sebagai peminat biasa karya kreatif sebegini, CTM wajar diberi pujian. Walaupun props dan backdrop tidak sehebat Puteri Gunung Ledang The Musical, namun nyanyian para pelakonnya mengalahkan nama-nama besar dalam P.Ramlee The Musical. Adibah Noor tidak menghampakan sehingga mendapat standing ovation daripada beberapa penonton mat saleh malam itu. Aku turut mengagumi Hans yang rupa-rupanya mampu menyanyi dengan baik. Para pelakon tambahan juga tidak mengecewakan.

Aku memang bukan muka baru di Istana Budaya, malah boleh dikatakan aku telah mengikuti hampir semua persembahan di sini, sama ada atas undangan ataupun biaya sendiri. Ini satu cara aku menghiburkan diri dan mengisi minda. Di saat aku sarat dengan dugaan dan ujianNya, CTM mampu membuatkan aku kembali bersemangat. Aku sedar bahawa dalam kesakitan hidup, masih ada ‘sebab’ untuk tertawa.

Terima kasih Tuhan!



p/s: Hujung bulan ini ada pementasan Natrah. Ada sahabat dari jauh awal berpesan untuk pastikan aku membawanya menonton. Ada lagi yang mahu turut serta?

Antara Gerimis Dan Gerhana

Yang terluntur dalam renyai gerimis
adalah surat cintamu
yang kehilangan warna pertama
bait syair yang sempurna.

Yang tersembunyi dalam
kolam gerhana adalah
redup sepasang matamu
yang seringkali mengisyaratkan
antara harapan dan igauan
dalam pesona yang panjang.

Antara gerimis dan gerhana
telah menjarakkan dua benua
dan meleraikan ikatan
yang bernama cinta.

Confession 2 : Tired of Life

It seem like it was just yesterday I just awaken of my bleakest says. Then I fell into the uncertainty again. I’m tired of this life. Again. Trial after trials. Test after tests.

Nothing is too good to be enough. Nothing is too much to be all right again. Everything seems so hard. The sky is falling down on me. Everything is so dark!

I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt truly happy. When someone or something caused me to laugh out loud so hard that my stomach pained me and my jaw ached.

I missed eating good food instead of it becoming just a way to stuff myself to avoid hunger in such a way of something to do to pass the time.

I even missed reading; researching and analyzing my storyline instead of it being something I would stare blankly at to pass the hours. To endure the emptiness of thought that creep in my mind whenever I need useful plot or meaningful words. For now, it remains blank. Hopefully, it is temporary. Otherwise, it will be a disaster to me. A tragedy.

I missed going to bed at night with absolutely nothing on my mind then drifted to sleep easily. With no aid of a good book. Or crying my heart out until I feel my own damp pillows. Or pushing myself into exercise routines so hard till all my muscled tired, dropped dead on the cold floor.

And hating the feeling that I have no reason to wake up. And hate the wishes in me, which I hope to never to wake up ever again. Hate the feeling of having no excitement to look forward to.

Life is a mere bleak existence. The hours just passed me by these days without knowing what day it is. Seemed like I lived outside my own body, numb to everything. Drifted to nowhere. I never feel so tired in my life. Everything I do is meaningless. Sometimes, I do wonder whys all this happening to me while I sat alone in my darkened house. It even doesn’t feels like home anymore.

I don’t know the answer of these questions, no matter how hard I tried to understand, analyze it. Why I’m so unlucky in life? Why my world, used to be peaceful, happy and serene, are crumbling down on and around me? Why is happiness fled from my grasp?

And, I do wonder, after all that happening around and within myself all this time, how could I be standing still?

Giving

Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving."

And he answered:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;

And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving

And is there aught you would withhold?

All you have shall some day be given;

Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."

The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.

They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.

Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.

And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.

And what desert greater shall there be than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?

And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?

See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.

For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.

Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;

For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother, and God for father.




Kredit: Kahlil Gibran

Confession 1

There are so many reasons not to write. Hectic schedules. Exhausted body and mind. Not in the mood. But, the truth is, I found that my life is so ordinary, nothing worth to write about. For this time being. Yes, there’s always something happening in and around me, but some thing are too personal to share or to put in writing.

Hence, the gap in writing.

Pengumuman

Hidup sibuk. Badan penat. Jiwa kacau. Otak serabut.

Jadi, kita rehat dulu.
(Ogos - Oktober)

Harap maklum.

p/s: Maaf dan terima kasih, kepada yang prihatin bertanya.

Kamu, sudah-sudahlah merasa bersalah!

Pagi hari, aku dikejutkan oleh sms dari sahabat lama, bertanyakan keputusan temuduga yang kami sama-sama hadiri beberapa hari lalu sambil menyatakan kegembiraannya. Dalam suhu badan yang agak meninggi, aku membalas akan memeriksa peti surat mayaku kemudian. Lalu meneruskan tidur yang baru bermula hampir dua jam lalu.

Selang tengahari, ada 'akak' yang baru kutemui pada temuduga itu turut menelefon, bertanyakan perkara yang sama. Dia juga gembira. Dan aku membalas dengan jawapan yang sama seperti sebelumnya. Lalu, aku bangun meneruskan agenda harian. Melakukan senaman ringan agar badan lebih 'terjaga' dan segar. Membersihkan diri. Menyediakan makanan ringkas. Dan bersedia di hadapan laptop untuk menyambung karya yang telah terlayak tarikh penghantarannya pada editorku! :)

Seperti kebanyakan orang (aku fikir!), aku memeriksa laman blog dan menekan pautan ke peti surat maya rasmi dan peribadi. Rasmi: tiada apa yang memerlukan tindakan segera, utusan rasm biasa-biasa sahaja. Peribadi: juga warkah maya yang biasa, tiada berita yang tersebut. Lalu kubalas mesej dan panggilan mereka; menyatakan tiada apa-apa berita. Mereka tergamam, seakan tidak percaya. Aduhai!

Ada kehampaan sedikit. Namun, kupujuk hati. Mungkin sekejap lagi. Dan kuteruskan kerja-kerja harian. Membaca dan menyelidik. Mencoret dan menitip idea yang diilhamkan Ilahi. Dan meladeni urusan harian. Tika lembayung senja datang, seorang lagi teman menelefon. Katanya ingin berkongsi kegembiraan mendapat jawapan positif. Namun, untuk kali ketiga, aku mengulangi jawapan yang sama! Dan dia akas merasa bersalah. Dia tanpa ragu menjangkakan bahawa aku antara yang terpilih. Sangkaan yang sama oleh dua teman terdahulu. Jangan begitu, kawan. Semuanya di tangan Dia! Aku sedikit pun tidak merasa sedih tentang ini.

Aku memujuk diri. Masih baru tempohnya. Mungkin esok atau lusa aku akan mendapat jawapanku. Mungkin 'bahagian'ku lebih besar dari sahabat berdua itu. Bukan meninggi diri, namun aku sedar dan maklum tentang kelebihan dan kekurangan diri. Aku rasa aku lebih berusia dan lebih berpengalaman tentang itu daripada mereka yang menemuduga. Lagipun, ini memang bidangku. Aku memang memang mempunyai ilmu dan kemahiran mengenainya. Memang terlatih untuk itu.

Bagaimana aku aku ungkapkan apa yang ada dalam dada ini? Bukan sekali dua aku mengalami situasi ini. Malah, terkadang ia melemahkan semangat. Terkadang terfikir sesuatu. Apa yang diperlukan oleh para majikan semua, ya? Kemahiran dan ilmu? Pengalaman? Ketrampilan? Personaliti? Atau mungkin, kemahiran menjawap soalan penemuduga? Atau mereka sengaja mencari mereka yang agak baru dalam bidang ini dengan tujuan untuk menjimatkan kos operasi? Atau perlukan hubungan 'kronisme'? Jika bukan kemahiran dan pengalaman, apa lagi yang lebih diperlukan?

Namun, aku masih merasa amat bersyukur atas anugerah Dia kepadaku selama ini. Mungkin rezekiku ada tertulis di tempat lain. Atau lebih daripada ini. Lagipun, aku masih boleh bertahan di bumiNya. Apa pun, usaha dan tawakal tidak akan kuputuskan hayatnya.

Amin.

Sixth Sense?

Aku terkelu. Tatkala mendengar khabar dari seorang teman yang kurang sihat. Aku pun begitu. Sejak dua tiga hari lepas, badanku asyik bersilih panas sejuk. Fikiranku buntu. Idea untuk berkarya tidak bertandang. Seperti kebiasaan. Mulanya, aku cuma merasakan ia cuma mainan alam ke atas biologi manusia. Namun, setelah mengetahui keadaannya, hati terdetik; patutlah. Ia pernah berlaku kepadaku sebelum ini. Aku jadi tidak keruan kalau teman itu tidak aman jiwanya ataupun kurang sihat. Dan hari ini suhu badanku bertambah lagi.

Adakah ini satu suratan? Atau kebetulan ciptaan Dia?

A Day in My Life

Angin sepoi-sepoi bertiup nyaman dari jendela kamarku malam ini. Enak sekali. Meredakan mindaku yang sedang ribut. Tiap kali bertandang ke sini, tangan jadi kaku. Minda jadi beku. Rasa dalam hati dan mata fikir yang bergelodak dalam jiwa yang tadi ingin terluah dalam kata tiba-tiba mati. Dan jiwa makin kacau. Aku seringkali kesamaran ini. Mungkin ramai di luar sana mengalaminya. Mungkin.

***

Tatkala orang menandai masa lalunya dengan potret diri, catatan dan momento, aku memilih untuk terisi. Masa lalu adalah sejarah. Dan sejarah adalah kolektif sifatnya. Ada yang mampu dikongsi umum. Ada yang terlalu indah dan peribadi untuk diungkap, terkulum dalam dada.

***

There is simple things that make a real difference in life. Like a hug. Or just a short sms. Or just a good conversation with a good and civilized person. Or a simple but very satisfying meal. Or a good book. And it’s worth living for!

***

Day 1 of being alone again. Lonesome but life must go on! There’s more important things in life that waiting to be discovered. Things to do. Places to go. Dreams to materialize. Aims to achieve. Wishes to fulfill. People to meet. Books to write. Poems to compose. Etc.

10 Things I Missed The Most...

10. Chess ... Last time i played....hmm, let's see...final year at hi school, represented my school for my state chess tournament... we got 2nd place, if i'm not mistaken...well, aging, u know! :) 9. Cross stitch... The last work of this art i've done is my own creation of words LOVE with some decorative stuff...finished but still find no time to get it framed, or just simply forgot to, hehe! Simple but tedious stuff. Very teraputic! 8. Hiking and camping...The last hiking or mountain climbing was in 2006 with a small group of friends to Mount Kinabalu, Sabah. The best one is hiking/climbing Gunung Tahan with abang2 ranger ...a lifetime ago! The camping, rough thingies and sleeping in the middle of the jungle...hhmm...can' t remember when! But definitely want to sleep out with nature, again. Anyone?
7. Kayak/Canoe...Haiyyaa! So long time ago! The last 'proper' kayaking trip is XPDC Berkayak Sg. Muar'98....more than 10 yrs ago bah! But now and then, i did go to Putrajaya lake and nearer to me, Tasik Titiwangsa to 'lepas gian'! But no more...sob! sob! sob!
6. Archery...Well, it's one of my most favorite sport. Used to be an archer back to uni days, u know! Should be in national team, but....well, in a word, lady luck is not on my shoulder :( Still have the bow and arrows now but unfortunately, nearly destroyed by termites! S**t! Sayang oooiii! 5. Backpacker Travelling...The last time i travel not for works was last...when aaa? Forgot already! So long maaa! Nowaday is always work, work, work! What to do, eco-no-money! Anyone out there want to sponsor for Europe tour?
4. Shopping/Bargain for books...The last time i really went crazy was this year KL Book Fair at PWTC. Bought more than 25 books during the fair. If i had more money at that time .....hhmm......hmmm...!!! 3. Snorkeling/Diving...Missed it so much. Missed the tanned skin ( i don't need that ;), tan already!). Missed Nemo and the peace underwater. Words failed me. Feels like being in another world, so serene, beautiful, quite and yet, so full of life! Even my diving licence expired already! Anybody generous who want to sponsor? Last one was at Berjaya Tioman ...opps, no! Pangkor Island last December during impromtu family vacation, but a very short one...well, my mum is there! :) 2. Hanging out with ***...Well, so near but yet so far....
1. Swimming...My most favorite exercise! My record so far is 31 laps in one session (Olympic size pool,ok!), but after certain period of time lah! Haha! After moving in my own place and expired membership, I no longer swim. Too far and no more pool buddies. Diorang dah kahwin. Hah, what to do! No wonderlah my body naik macam dipam-pam! There's public swimming pool here and there, but shylah!

Freedom

And an orator said, "Speak to us of Freedom."

And he answered:

At the city gate and by your fireside I have seen you prostrate yourself and worship your own freedom,

Even as slaves humble themselves before a tyrant and praise him though he slays them.

Ay, in the grove of the temple and in the shadow of the citadel I have seen the freest among you wear their freedom as a yoke and a handcuff.

And my heart bled within me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfillment.

You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief,

But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.

And how shall you rise beyond your days and nights unless you break the chains which you at the dawn of your understanding have fastened around your noon hour?

In truth that which you call freedom is the strongest of these chains, though its links glitter in the sun and dazzle the eyes.

And what is it but fragments of your own self you would discard that you may become free?

If it is an unjust law you would abolish, that law was written with your own hand upon your own forehead.

You cannot erase it by burning your law books nor by washing the foreheads of your judges, though you pour the sea upon them.

And if it is a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed.

For how can a tyrant rule the free and the proud, but for a tyranny in their own freedom and a shame in their won pride?

And if it is a care you would cast off, that care has been chosen by you rather than imposed upon you.

And if it is a fear you would dispel, the seat of that fear is in your heart and not in the hand of the feared.

Verily all things move within your being in constant half embrace, the desired and the dreaded, the repugnant and the cherished, the pursued and that which you would escape.

These things move within you as lights and shadows in pairs that cling.

And when the shadow fades and is no more, the light that lingers becomes a shadow to another light.

And thus your freedom when it loses its fetters becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom.




Kredit: Khalil Gibran

Pain

And a woman spoke, saying, 'Tell us of Pain.'

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.



Kredit: Khalil Gibran

A Glimpse

A glimpse
through an interstice caught,
of a crowd of workmen and drivers in a bar-room,
around the stove,
late of a winter night
And I unremark'd seated in a corner;

of a youth who loves me,
and whom I love,
silently approaching,
and seating himself near,
that he may hold me by the hand;

A long while,
amid the noises of coming and going--
of drinking and oath and smutty jest,
There we two,
content,
happy in being together,
speaking little,
perhaps not a word.



Kredit: Walt Whitman

Dia

Aku tahu. Aku harus kuatkan diri dan jiwa. Seharusnya aku utamakan kerjaya dan masa depan. Usaikan segala tanggungjawab. Kotakan segala janji dan kata. Namun tidak dapat aku tahan rasa dalam dada ketika ia datang menyirat seluruh indera.

Aku rindu.

Kingdom of Buyau Part II

Kisah Seorang Ibu



Aku terkesan sesuatu dalam kembaraku yang ringkas kali ini. Menghabiskan masa bersama Makcik membuatkan aku sedar tentang sesuatu. Sebenarnya, kesedaran ini telah lama wujud dalam jiwaku, cuma tidak terluah oleh kata-kata. Mungkin ia perkara biasa bagi sesetengah orang. Mungkin ada yang tidak pernah merasainya. Mungkin ada yang tidak langsung menunjukkan sebarang reaksi tentang ini. Hati seorang ibu. Kasih sayang seorang ibu. Kesunyian seorang ibu.

Well, tidak banyak yang mampu kuperkatakan tentang ini. Lidahku kelu. Cuma apa yang dapat aku simpulkan setelah banyak menghabiskan masa bersama insan-insan yang bergelar ibu ini cuma satu. Mereka berhati mulia! Tidak kira apa bangsa, keturunan atau agama mereka, melalui pengalamanku, mereka mahukan yang terbaik untuk anak-anak mereka. Apabila mereka jauh di mata, kerinduan itu meruntun naluri. Dan kesepian ditinggalkan anak-anak dan cucu-cucu yang sibuk membina hidup dan mencari rezeki di kota, membuatkan mereka nanar dalam rindu dan sepi. Apalagi bila sendirian. Aku faham amat.

Mungkin ada yang suka bercoleteh dan kerap meluahkan ketidakpuasan rasa terhadap anak-anak mereka kepada orang asing (seperti Makcik), namun aku tahu, niat mereka baik. Biasalah! Mereka cuma mahu meluahkan isi hati mereka kepada orang yang sudi mendengar, walaupun bukan pada darah daging sendiri. Dan anak-anak sendiri, kadang-kadang muak mendengar perkara yang sama saban masa, sehingga terabaikan hati seorang ibu tanpa sedar atau sengaja. Terfikir juga, mungkin aku pun ada ‘terbuat’ begitu. Ampun Mek!

Aku bersyukur Tuhan memberikan aku kebolehan dan kesabaran dalam komunikasi dengan golongan berusia ini. Walaupun ada kalanya, hampir tercabar juga dengan karenah mereka! Mungkin kerana aku daripada keluarga yang besar dan sentiasa dipenuhi riuh saudara dan taulan, jadi aku mampu menyelami isi hati mereka. Dan ketika berkunjung ke rumah rakan-rakan, menghabiskan masa di dapur bersama ibu-ibu, bergurau senda dan menimba ilmu baru lewat perbezaan adat, budaya dan kebiasaan, membuatkan aku sarat dengan emosi dan pengalaman, harap-harapnyalah! Bukan apa, mereka cuma perlu teman untuk berbicara, untuk dimanjakan, untuk diajak berkongsi hidup. Walaupun banyak berbeza pendapat dan kemahuan, iyakan saja segala bicara mereka. Dan hargailah mereka. Itulah yang paling berharga daripada memberikan harta dunia yang entah apa-apa!

Kembara singkat ini, selain manggis, aku habiskan dengan menemani Makcik membersihkan daunan kering, sampai terluka tangan (padan muka!), menyiapkan hidangan dengan Makcik sebagai tukang tengok, bertengek di sebiji kelapa tua di tengah kebun dalam sesi temubual tak rasmi di tengah hari dan bicara lewat kegelapan malam sambil menunggu kantuk tiba membuatkan aku tiba-tiba rindu pada Mek. (p/s: aku orang Timur, jadi panggilan Mek lebih akrab berbanding ibu atau mak)

Mek juga seperti Makcik. Namun, oleh kerana kami keluarga yang besar, jadi dia tidak perlu meluahkan pada orang luar, cukup dengan kami anak beranak. Biasanya akulah yang jadi mangsanya. Sebab aku belum berpunya dan tidak banyak tanggungjawap (padan muka lagi!). Adik aku buat silap, aku yang kena leter. Mek tak puas hati dengan abang aku atau kakak ipar aku, aku yang tukang dengar bebelannya. Kakak aku buat hal, aku yang jadi kaunter lepas geram dia. Dan kalau dia tak puas hati dengan kedegilan aku, as usual :), kakak aku yang dia cari!

Aku akui, aku amat jarang menghabiskan masa bersamanya sejak aku berhijrah ke bandar. Walaupun punya sebab-sebab tertentu (terlalu peribadi untuk dikongsi bersama, cuma beberapa orang yang tahu!) yang tidak perlu diterangkan, jauh di sudut hati, aku merindui masa-masa bersamanya. Seperti zaman kanak-kanakku dahulu, sebelum aku melangkah ke alam asrama penuh, kolej dan seterusnya universiti. Sekarang aku cuma pulang untuk hari raya puasa. Demi Mek. Itupun bukan setiap tahun. Maaf Mek, aku punya sebab untuk itu. Aku tahu dan sedar, kau memahaminya walaupun tidak ke akar umbinya.

Dulu, aku sering menemaninya membuat kuih-kuih untuk jualan, kadang-kadang sampai jam tiga atau empat pagi. Masa itu , kakak dan abang sama ada telah dibuai mimpi, atau jauh menuntut ilmu. Itulah masa aku dengannya. Maklumlah, dalam bilangan ahli keluarga yang ramai, agak susah untuk mendominasi masa dan perhatiannya. Tambahan pula, aku bukan orang yang suka bercakap tanpa isi. Dan kala malam atau dinihari itu, bertemankan api pelita (masa itu, rumahku tiada bekalan elektrik), aku dengan bukuku dan dia dengan kerjanya! Dan sambil-sambil itu, dia akan bercerita denganku. Tentang alam. Tentang agama. Tentang pengorbanan. Tentang hidup.

Betapa aku rindukan saat itu! Mek, hujung minggu ini aku pulang!

Kingdom of Buyau: Part I

Manggis oh manggis!



Kami tiba di Buyau ketika hari hampir bertambah usia. Dalam kepekatan tengah malam, perkara pertama yang dibuat oleh Mas dan Along ialah menjolok manggis. Aku masih agak segan, maklumlah baru pertama kali bertandang ke sini, tersenyum sahaja sambil menurunkan beg-beg dari kereta sambil menemankan Makcik dan suami Along melihat kerenah mereka berdua. Namun, sempat juga merasa tiga biji manggis selepas itu.

Keesokan harinya, selepas bersarapan, aku dan Mas terus ke pokok manggis di belakang rumah. Sambil mengait (mengait ke?) buah manggis, kami berkelah di situ. Makan buah sambil berbicara tentang alam dan persoalan hidup. Sempat lagi ada sesi kaunseling, gitu! Rasanya sempat juga sekilo dua manggis aku makan, sebelum perutku buat hal. Ala, belum ke ‘bilik kecil’ lagi pagi ini! ;) Mandi pun belum! Sempat berus gigi, cuci muka dan pakai contact lens sahaja!

Then, sesi makan buah bersambung. Mas sempat mencapai BF dia untuk merakamkan suasana Buyau. Agak terkilan, kerana abangku menggunakan digicam kami. Kalau tidak ada juga kuambil gambar awan berarak itu! Lovely and fascinating! So, untuk gambar-gambar menarik kembara ini, tunggu laporan seterusnya, selepas aku dapat salinannya, ok!

Hari kedua dan terakhir, selepas mandi dan menunggu Mas bangun, aku bersarapan dengan roti cicah kuah durian yang Makcik buat semalam. Sempat menjolok manggis di belakang rumah. Tetapi agak kecewa, kerana tidak banyak dapat. Buah-buah berada tinggi-tinggi. Penat sahaja, bah! Tiba-tiba teringatkan seseorang. Alangkah bagusnya jika dia di sini sekarang. Boleh aku gunakan sebagai tukang kait aku! Hahahaha!

Hampir tengah hari, setelah berjaya membuka mangga pintu kebun yang hampir berkarat, aku dah Mas, meredah semak dan belukar kecil menuju pokok-pokok manggis. Hah! Buah-buahnya berada di dahan yang rendang sahaja, membolehkan aku memetiknya sahaja. Penuh satu besen! Puas hati aku! Sambil petik, sambil makan. Huh, sempat makan lagi! Banyak jugak!

Kala aku masuk ke dalam semak, empat puluh tujuh ekor nyamuk telah datang menyambut kehadiran aku. (ini ayat Mas ni!) Aku pun berusaha menjolok manggis itu, tetapi tidak sampai. Maklumlah, ketinggian tidak membenarkan! Bak kata Attok, bukan tak cukup inci, tapi tak cukup kaki! (Eleh, macamlah dia tu tinggi sangat!).

Hujung mulut botol yang telah diterbalikkan yang mana muncungnya telah disumbat ke ladam sebatang kayu setinggi dua kali aku dan bontot botol tersebut telah dilobangkan bagi menjadi tempat persinggahan sementara manggis manggis yang kurodok tangkainya daripada jatuh ke tanah. Itulah pengait manggis. (lihat gambar dalam laporan akan datang).

Proses ini bagi mengelakkan tekanan terhadap kulit buah manggis yang hitam legam dan juga langkah keselamatan bagi melindungi isi buahnya yang putih bersih dari dilebamkan akibat lantunan kulitnya yang hitam tadi ke tanah (ini ayat Mas jugak!).

Sampai berbintat kulit tangan aku disinggahi nyamuk. Dan ada ketikanya, aku ralit menjolok manggis, sampaikan kakiku terluka dek gurisan kayu mati. Alah, manggis punya pasal! Demi kerana manggis… Tak cukup dengan besen, Mas bawak beg plastik, besarnya ya amat! Hampir separuh penuh juga beg itu jika tidak aku makan separuh isinya dalam semak itu.Hampir petang kami di kebun. Kalau tidak Along dan suami datang, rasanya kami masih di sini. Makcik menebas sikit-sikit, Mas dengan BFnya merakam sahabat flora di hutan kecil ini dan aku sambil menghabiskan manggis! Penat tapi seronok!

Kami kelaparan, walaupun telah makan sebelumnya. Jadi, bekerjasama menyediakan lunch yang sangat ringkas. Nasi, ikan goreng sambal dan sayur sawi. Kami sekeluarga (aik, bila masa pulak aku jadi ahli keluarga minah ni?) bersembang sambil makan. Kemudian, aku sambung makan manggis, sambil Mas menyambung tidur. Makcik di dapur dengan urusannya. Along dan suami menghilang ke laman rumah.

Kami bertolak dari Buyau seusai/selepas Mas dan Makcik solat Magrib. Tau sahajalah orang tua, lambatnya bersiap, lepas satu, satu lagi hendak dibuatnya. Hampir jam sembilan juga kami sampai ke Seremban, sebelum bertolak ke KL. Kalau bukan aku menggunakan public transport, mau satu kereta aku angkut manggis kot!

Dan pagi tadi, bangun sahaja jam 3.30 pagi, aku makan beberapa biji manggis sebelum aku mengadap computer, menyiapkan tugasan kakak dan kerja-kerjaku sebelum aku kembali menyambung tidur jam 11 lebih. Bangun dari tidur dalam jam 2 lebih, aku menghabiskan manggis-manggis yang tinggal. Ahh…nikmatnya!

Rasanya dalam sehari dua ini, aku telah melahap (bukan tahap makan lagi dah!) kurang lebih 10 kg manggis! Mungkin lebih kot! Gila betul! Betul-betul aku chentakan manggis ini kan!

Ahh, manggis oh manggis!

Kisah Seorang Kakak II

Lagi sekali dia buat hal. Last minute amendment. Spoiled my short weekend vacation at my friend’s kampong. Luckily, the vacation is nearly over, so my temper are still at ‘cooling phase’. So, after reached KL, I rushed back home without sleepover at her house first, as planned. (Sorry, friend!)

Sampai rumah kurang lebih jam 11 malam , lepas bersihkan diri, terus tidur sebab kepala pusing hasil penangan manggis+durian! (Padan muka, makan tak ingat dunia!). Bangun jam 3.30 pagi, terus siapkan tambahan assignment yang diminta. Kepala dah tak pening lagi. Thanks God! Sedar-sedar, surau dekat rumah azan Subuh. Baru siap. Kakak aku yang seorang ini memang nak kena! Dah siapkan kerja dia, bukannya tahu nak sms terima kasih ke apa! Memang!!! Tengoklah raya nanti, siaplah aku marah face to face!

Then, aku sambung kerja-kerja aku. Back to my work. Tiba-tiba terfikir sesuatu. Aku rasa ramai lagi manusia di luar sana yang satu spesis dengan kakak aku yang seorang ini. Suka sangat buat kerja saat-saat akhir. Dan suka sangat menyusahkan orang. Hahaha! Ada yang terkena/terasa ke?

;)

Kisah Seorang Kakak

Aku bengang betul dengan kakakku yang sorang ni! Semalam, baru sahaja aku memanggil aura alam untuk berkarya, dia menelefon dari negeri di selatan sana. Ada hal penting, katanya memulakan bicara. Minda aku terus beralih daripada coretan dan contengan idea di kertas terpakai, kepada bicaranya. Aliran idea dan ilham akas terhenti. Sedangkan aku harus cepat, perlu kreatif dan bijak menyusun kata dan bicara. Baru petang tadi, editorku meminta agar menambah kurang lebih seratus halaman untuk karya fantasiku. Tempoh yang diberi cuma seminggu. Aduhai!

Nada suara kakak aku yang seorang ini membayangkan ada yang tidak kena. Aku terus teringatkan keluarga di kampung. Ada yang tidak kenakah? Ada bala atau musibah yang menimpakah? Ada tetamu tak diundangkah? Ada orang masuk meminangkah? ;) Rupa-rupanya, tekaanku tersasar belaka!

Ada ke patut pada jam 9.41pm, dia meminta aku menyiapkan assignmentnya! Hendak dihantar pada esok hari pulak. Minima lapan halaman dalam bahasa Inggeris. Ya Tuhan! Nak kena ni! Bukan aku tak mampu buat, tapi subject matternya berlainan. Bukan bidang aku. Nasib baik aku ada basic medic, jadi tak bermasalah sangat. Tapi teruk juga nak membaca bahan rujukan dan mencari tambahan isi lagi! Banyak dan bercelaru pulak tu! Memang kena sembur dengan aku malam tadi! E kat rumah pun sampai naik bosan dengar aku membebel dari dalam bilik. Marah-marah sambil siapkan assignment kakak aku yang seorang ini. Nasib baik dia kakak aku, kalau tidak, memang aku tak buat kerja gila ni!

Geram betul. Lain kali, kalau nak minta tolong, bagitau awal-awal dan bagi tempoh masa. Ingat aku ni robot ke apa! Macamlah aku ni tak ada kerja lain yang hendak dibuat. Akhirnya siap juga sembilan halaman tugasan dalam bahasa Inggeris yang betul dari segi nahu dan termanya. Sekali tengok jam, jam 4.12 am. Gosh! Tiba-tiba aras geram aku naik balik. Kenapa tak dalam bahasa Perancis? Lagi panjang aku boleh merapu!

Hah! Dunia fantasiku entah ke mana!